A Mom's tragic loss of a child and her hope in Jesus Christ with Mira G.

My special guest Mira G. talks about the tragic loss of her son and the hope she found in Jesus Christ to keep moving forward. When tragedy strikes you're never prepared to face such pain and suffering. Mira shares how her life drastically changed when she began to notice her teenage son was having problems and she tried everything she could to help him.  She talks about the peace she now has in Christ in the midst of her loss and how she prays her story can help a parent who may be struggling with helping their child.

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Call 988 or Text 988
  

Transcript

Ann: 0:07

Hey there friends, my name is Ann Calvillo and welcome to Her Scars Tell a Story podcast, a safe space for women from all different walks of life and different backgrounds coming together to share their stories of God's redeeming love. So grab your cup of coffee and journey with us now. Hey there, friends. Welcome to Her Scars Tell a Story podcast. I'm your host, Anne Calvillo, and today I'm with a wonderful guest. Her name is Mira. Welcome, Mira.

Mira: 0:44

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Um, My name is actually Edelmira, but Mira for short, because not a lot of people know how to pronounce it.

Ann: 0:53

And I'm one of those people.

Mira: 0:54

Trust me, you're fine.

Ann: 0:56

Thank you so much for being my guest on this podcast today. I know that I had briefly met you at the women's retreat. Yes. Right? Yes. And then we kind of connected through Facebook. Yes. I know that you do listen to the podcast as well. Yes, I do. And, you listen to the stories and I know that when I connected and I reached out to you, you were more than willing to share your story. And so today's the day. Today's the day. I know, you're gonna share your story. tell us a little bit about you.

Mira: 1:34

sO I'm a mother of three. my youngest is eight, my son, he has autism, my daughter, she is, um, she She's 14 now. She turned 14, preteen, oh boy. And then my son who I will, share the story, he would have turned or would have been 23 wow.

Ann: 1:57

And you don't look like you have a 23 year old. Yeah. You look really great. You mentioned you're going to share your story about your son. And part of that includes, your son had committed suicide. Yes. As I had mentioned to you before we started the podcast recording was that I've never had a guest to share about a loved one committing suicide. And so, uh, what my prayer is for the listeners listening to your story, Nina, is that they find encouragement and hope in Christ just as you did. Um, so I want to give you the opportunity to

Mira: 2:42

share your story. Thank you. Thank you. And this is such a blessing to be in a podcast. I know the Lord has put it, he put it in my heart. Like there's a reason why we go through things and it's not for us to keep. And the Lord had revealed that to me. A while back with like, um, with his word, it's, um, when we go through stuff, it's to share with other people and to be able to help others who are going through the same thing or, you know, have been through the same thing. Um, so, you know, I did, you know, going to my story, I had my son at a very, very young age. Um, I was 15. I didn't have a mom, so I didn't know how to be a mom. Um, and you know, it was just very tough, you know, being a, a young mom, you know, trying to do things right. Um, we were, I was, you know, the relationship between his father and I were not, was not really good. Um, but you know, I don't. I, I'm not here to blame anybody for, you know, things that happened or that would have been better. Um, I know that there was a reason why I went through what I went through. And, um, even as a child, like just a short story, um, you know, we were four girls. My mom passed away when I was seven, you know, left four young little girls behind. Uh, we didn't have a very good, um, upbringing. Um, but you know, again, I'm not here to bash, you know, family or anything. They did what they could with what they had. You know, I learned a lot about forgiveness and, you know, just to move on, you know, we all, we, we, we don't know how to be parents until we are parents, right? And we always try to like, oh, this is how I'm going to raise my kids and this is what I don't want them to do. But then when you're in the situation where they do what you don't want them to do, that's when it's like, well, what do I do now, you know? Um, so like, I think I'm a first generation Christian. Um, we were brought up Catholic, uh, did all the. going to church, you know, just the whole ritual. Um, but, I always had that kind of curiosity of like, who God was, right? Um, after having my son and trying to raise him right, you know, me as a young mom, I was not the best mom either, you know, I'm not here to like say, Oh, yes, I was. You know, even parents, we make mistakes, right? Yeah. Yes, we do. Yeah. So, the reason or the way I came to the Lord was because my son committed suicide and I just, I knew as a mom that, you know, he was battling something that I didn't know how to help him. I remember through his dad's insurance, I was looking for like places like rehab places, like just somewhere where he can go away and just kind of. I don't know, reevaluate life and him and whatever he was going through. Um, but I was trying and trying and I felt so hopeless, like, it's like, I know, like as a parent, we know, I knew something was not right, but I just didn't know how to help him. I remember. Um, Thank you. The Lord had opened a curiosity of like, why is there so many religions, but there's only one God. I remember one time me and my daughter, we were eating at a Mexican restaurant and she pointed to the image of, the idol they call Guadalupe. Yeah. And, and she was like, Mom, what is that? And I was like, you know what, honestly, I don't even know. You know? Yeah. Like, I don't even know. And so then I went to work the next day and I asked one of my, coworkers, she's Hispanic and she was like, well, that's kind of like the, it's kind of like Mary, but Mexican. And I'm like, but so how did she's like, I don't understand. You know? Yeah. Yeah. So, I had started going to this Christian, uh, church and I will go to their Bible study and I was just like, wow, this, this is very different, you know? Right. And even I had a cousin that she would invite me over to her church at the time. And I was just like, wow, this is like, it's just different, you know? And I kind of liked it, but I was like, I don't, I don't know, you know, I was still kind of battling that, like, but my mom brought us up as Catholic, so we're gonna stay Catholic, you know? So, yeah. But then I was like, no, there has to be something more than life than just doing the same thing over and over again. So after my daughter, I had that thing with my daughter. Like I started going to Bible, you know, Bible study and, um, but they weren't really talking to me about Jesus or anything. They just kind of was just, I guess they, they maybe at some point they were gonna start, you know, preaching the gospel to me, but. Um, maybe I wasn't there long enough for them to just really get at me. And I was just like, I remember being in that church and I'm like, Lord, you know, if you're real, like, I don't know what to do with my son, like, just help him, you know, help him because I don't, I don't know. I feel like I, I don't know how to help him, you know? And, um, there were incidents where, I mean, this is, this is like, It's such a sad memory of, um, like I would see him and I remember one time coming from work and my niece calls me and she's like, you know, junior, you know, he's, um, I don't know what's wrong with him. Like, he's not himself and And I rushed over there and I, um, you know, I call, they call the ambulance and I was like, I get there and I'm like, you know, what's going on? And he's like, I don't, I don't know where I'm at. And I'm like, I'm right here, you know, and I remember he would say, mom, mom, I love you. I love you. And he would hug me. And then he would switch from like, I love you to I hate you. You were never there for me. And as a mom, like, that's like the hardest thing that you can ever hear from your child, you know? Yeah. Especially when you think you try to do so much for them and you try, you're thinking that you're providing for them, you're doing so many things to kind of bring them up right, you know, but one thing I know that I was lacking, I would give him tough love, you know, but I wouldn't really give him love, like just giving him a hug and just telling him I love you so much, you know, and it chokes me up because it's, it's just so, it's hard.

Ann: 9:26

Okay.

Mira: 9:27

And um, that's one thing that I'm gonna miss is like him telling me that he loved me and that I did my best, you know? Yeah. Um, sorry. It's okay. Um, but you know, as a parent, like, you know, like I knew something wasn't right and I remember I, I used to watch a lot of like Dr. Phil, like I was, I loved Dr. Phil, you know, and I would watch him and I remember I reached out to him. I reached out to like their production and I was like, I don't know what to do with my son, you know, he's doing like, I know something's not right and I just don't know how to help him. And um, I remember they sent me like a questionnaire. You know, they actually, you know, send me something and I was like, I was just kind of like Stop because I'm like, well, if I go ahead and allow him to go on the show, like he's going to hate me, you know, so I was just battling that, like, he's going to hate me, but at the same time, I don't know what else to do. And I know something's not right. And I want to help him, you know, as a mom, you just want to help your children, you know, yeah. And then I just kind of stopped and I just never went ahead with it, so that was my regret, it was kind of like, well, maybe if I would have sent that out, like, they would have been able to help him because, you know, they always have teens in their stage and then they send them out to like recovery where they're just kind of like, just, I don't know, like, I don't know what he needed at the time, yeah, so because I didn't do that, it just kind of broke my heart even more, after he passed, the enemy was coming to me. I didn't know who the enemy was, right? This was before I came to the Lord, but it was so much shame, so much guilt, so much like, Confusion. I, um, I even contemplated my suicide. You know, I, I had my daughter. She, she was five at the time and, you know, they were from different fathers. And I remember I'm like, well, when she goes to his, her dad's side, because her, her dad and I were not together, I'm like, this is it. Like, I'm just going to take all these pills and just go to sleep. Like, I just can't handle it. I can't. And, um, but I remember, after he passed, um, I was just so like, you know, as a mom, you know, losing a child and I'm pretty sure like there's parents out there that have lost a child, like, you know, you know, those who have lost like you, you know what it feels like, you know, um, I, I know, and I also know what you guys are, are feeling and what you guys are dealing with. You know, the enemy is such a liar, you know, he's a liar. Yeah. Um, so when he passed away, the way he passed away was, um, they found him in the alley at the time he was living with my, he kind of wanted to move in with my sister and I was like, are you sure, you know, and. I allowed him to, you know, and, um, I just wanted him to just, you know, I guess be happy, you know, and at the time I remember, um, the day that happened, I remember I went to work like a regular, regular day. I went to work and, um, I remember getting these calls from like a detective and I was like, and I would hear the voice messages. I wouldn't answer because I'm like, Oh, what did he do? You know, because I know he was going down the wrong path, you know, getting into gangs. You know, just doing drugs and stuff. And I was like, what did he do? I hope he didn't do anything because prior to that I had had to pick him up from the station because he was, you know, vandalizing, I guess, you know, outsider cars, I believe it was. And so I was, I was kind of like, I kept, but I kept getting those calls and I'm like, what did he do, you know, and then. I would, um, I got this voicemail and they're like, Oh, you know, if you're the mother of Ismael, you know, please give us a call, you know, it's about your son. And then I never called them back. I'm like, I'm just going to wait until after work. I can't deal with that, you know? Yeah. Um. So then after that, like, um, I find out that they're at my job, they're at my job and, um, and then, you know, the, the supervisor calls me and they're like, well, there's some, you know, detective they want to talk to you. So I go by the security where, where I used to work and. They give us a room and then he's just talking to me like, Oh, you know, is that your son? And I'm like, Yeah, you know, and I'm just over here, like, before he even says anything, I'm like, you know, I'm trying to get help for him. I don't know. You know, because I'm already thinking like he did something wrong, but he's in jail. You know, I was just thinking like, I hope he didn't murder somebody. You know, it's just what you know, as a mom, it just plays in your head. So then I, um, I was like, so I'm just telling him, you know, I'm trying to get help for him. I don't know where else to turn and I, you know, I'm just, I just don't know what to do anymore. And then he just kind of hits me with, um, well ma'am, you know, we found your son and he's He's, you know, he's deceased and I just broke down. I was like, what, like, like how, like, wait, what, like, I was just so confused. It was like the hardest news that you can ever hear. And I remember I used to watch the 48 hours and I used to watch all this ID channels about like when they go and tell family members and it didn't click at that time, when they went to my job. And then, I broke down and I just couldn't. I couldn't. I was like, I don't know what to do after this. What do I do? Like, what's the next step? And he's like, well, he shows me a picture of him, obviously, like a mugshot. He was like, well, is this your son? I'm like, yeah, it is. And then he gives me his cell phone and I don't remember what else he had. And, um. And I was like, what? I'm like, but are you sure? What if somebody, what if one of the friends did it? You know, how do you know? Like, how do you know it was him? Like he did it, you know? And he's like, well, ma'am, you know, we found the weapon. And I was like, what? What weapon? He was like, well, you know, he, he shot his, he shot himself and I'm like, what, how, where? Like I just couldn't, and he's like, yeah, we did the testing and we found out that it was him, you know, they do like a gun testing powder thing and the, the weapon was there, you know, and it was like one of the hardest things and I'm like, where did this take place? And it was at the alley. It was, um, it was by a loading dock. Like maybe, I want to say five feet from my sister's building. And I was just like, what? Like, I just, I was just like, man, you know, this is, this is what I didn't want to happen and it happened. And like, what do I, like, I don't even know what to do. And I was just, obviously I was gone, um, the detective, he was like, well, you don't have to go identify the body because you already did with the picture and I don't want to put you through that. And I'm like, I want to go see him. I want to go see him because he's cold. I don't know why. Like, I was like, it's cold. It was like in December, he passed away, uh, December. 13, 14. So it was 12, 13, 14. And he passed away. He was 15. Like, I'm not too big. I'm like, Oh, you know, numbers superstitious stuff. No, but I was just like, Whoa, it's the month 12 day three year 14. He was 15. And I was just like, What? Like, what's going on? You know? And, um, finally I was like, well, what do I do? He's like, we'll just call his father and let him know. And I, I called his dad and his dad has always been that tough guy. You never see him cry. And as soon as I gave him the news, he just, I, all I, all I heard was just screaming and crying. And I was like, man, you know, like, he's like, what, like. It was just one of the hardest news that you ever, as a parent, like you're dreading, you know, to find out that you don't have your child anymore, you know, it's like It is true what the Bible says, um, about like your life is a vapor, like it really is, it's like you don't even know if you're going to be alive tomorrow, and it was just so hard, like it was so hard, but I know I was, I was struggling with him before, you know, he passed, trying to look for, like, I wouldn't sleep, you know, because I'm like, I need to help him. I don't know how to help him, and, um, Yeah, so like after that, like I was just like in the dark, dark place, very dark place, you know, the enemy was like, pointing his finger at me, you know, the shame, the guilt, just bringing bad memories. You know, there was a time where he went to this, um, hospital, Heartgrove Hospital, that they think it's on Roosevelt. This was after he overdosed because you know, that day that we rushed him to the hospital. I was like, no, I got it. put him in the hospital, you know, he hated me for that. Like he hated me. And but I was like, I'm doing it for your good. Like, I don't want you to die, you know. And I even had to get the police involved. They had to handcuff him. And then we just took him to the Heart Grove hospital. And he was there for two weeks. He don't want to talk to me. He don't want to say anything. He didn't want to see me. He just hated me. And, um, and I remember one time he called me. He's like, you know what? I hate you. And just like really bad stuff. But looking back, I know it wasn't him. I know it wasn't him, and that's the comfort that I have is that I know that what he was doing, what he was saying to me was not him. You know, it was not him because the day that he, took those drugs, I saw a different side of him, you know, that I know, like he, like, I know he loved me, he just didn't know how to show it, so like, um, after that, he finally came out of the hospital, but then, you know, I think it was, I don't even know how long it was after that he, You know, took his life, but you know, it's one of the hardest things that like a parent. It's just so hard. It's so like, I can never explain the feeling because there's, you just can't, you know, you just can't. Um, so I remember, then like his dad and I, we were like getting his. Stuff ready for, the coffin and everything. We were there for one another, I went with him. He's like, Are you sure you want to go? I'm like, Yes, I want to go. So we went to the funeral place and all I kept asking them was, like, is his body here? Like, I want to see him. I want to see his body. Like, I still can't believe it until I see him. Right. tHey were like, you know what, we're going to prepare him first. I don't think you should see him right now. And I'm like, why? Why? Um, you know, later on, I find out that he, you know, he shot himself. So he went, like, from here and then came out. You know, on the other side, so I thought I was like, well, maybe we, we need to have that coffin closed. Like, I don't want nobody to see him because we don't know, you know, and I don't want nobody to see my son like that. Like, I don't even want to see him, but I do, but I don't want nobody to see him and I was just dreading that day of, the funeral and, like throughout the whole, um, getting the coffin and preparing everything. I was just in tears. Like, I was like unconsolable. Like, I just couldn't hold it together, you know? Yeah. And oh my gosh, like, I, you know, it's been a while that I, I've cried because I don't know, I guess I, you know, I just feel like, you know what?, I know that he's in a different place and, um, and I'm going to see him again, you know? I'm an, I miss him dearly because. Um, time has just stopped so going back to that, um, so I was just like, I don't know how I'm going to do this. Like, I think I will go home and by this time in my daughter's father, got back together and I would just cry and I will go to the bathroom and just cry cause I don't want my daughter, to see me that way. Um, I was, I guess I was trying to protect her, you know, and. She probably, she didn't understand, and I was, I kept telling, you know, her dad, like, I don't know how I'm going to do this. I don't know how I'm going to do this. Like, I, I just don't know, you know, right. And, um, so fast forward, the day of the funeral, and this is an experience that I didn't realize how near the Lord was, I remember when that morning of the, the wake, right. And I knew that if I see him, that it's reality that he's gone, right? So I, um, I get up in the morning before everybody gets up. And by this time, like I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep. Every time I would shut my eyes, I would just think, have the image of how he, he looked, you know. And I remember that morning I woke up before everybody and I don't know what, I don't know. I was like in... I was so broken that I just got on my knees and I said, God, I don't know. I don't know how I'm going to face this. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I need your help. You know, and I remember clearly that at that moment, now I lived in a, in a one bedroom apartment and. It's like the electrical heaters and you know, it gets really hot in this apartment, you know, which is nice. I like it toasty, too. And, um, I remember I just get on my knees and I, I'm just crying and I'm like, help me, Lord, help me. And in that moment, I feel like a little, like, I don't even know how to explain it. Kind of like a little whoosh, whooshing sound and just kind of like something that just, Kind of hugged me, you know? And honestly,'cause I didn't know the Lord back then, I got scared. I'm like, oh, what just happened? You know? I get up and I'm like, I don't know what happened, but okay, let me go back to bed, you know? And um, so then the day that I walked up to the, um, the wake, um, I see him and I obviously, again, just fall out and just cry.'cause I'm like, wow, this is. This is, this is real now, you know, and, but something was different, like, after I cried, I went to sit down, and like through the whole funeral, I just didn't shed a tear. And I felt like, like, yeah, I was sad, but it was like peace at the same time. And I didn't understand it then, I didn't understand it then until now. And I remember people were just coming to the coffin crying and just weeping. And I'm just like, Looking at them like what and I'm over here like maybe I should poke my eye because I'm not crying What are they gonna think like that? I don't love him because I'm not crying, you know But no, I just yeah, I was sad. Yeah, I was like Reality, but I was just not crying, you know, and I remember you know I was so hard on myself obviously, you know, I'm like not not being there for like believing what he was telling me about me leaving him and never being there for him. And I honestly didn't even want to go to the funeral because I don't want people to look at me a certain way, you know? And I remember, there was this friend of his, a girl, They used to go to school together. And she comes up to me and she hugs me. And she's like, you know what? She's like, you did such a good job raising him. And I was like, Juan, he's like, you did such a good job. She's like, I don't know if he mentioned to you, but he talked me out of taking my life. Yeah. And that was like, that was amazing. I remember. He actually did mention it to me once. He, we were driving and he's like, Mom, I think I, I get the good, the goodness of you. And I'm like, well, what do you mean? he's like, well, there's this girl in school. And, um, I convinced her not to take her life. And I was like, really? And he was like, yeah, mom, I think I get the goodness from you. You know, just kind of like. teenagers, you know, and I'm like, Oh, no, I think you just have a good heart, and, um, but when she came up to me, I was like, That was her. That was her. Yeah. And she just gave me the biggest hug. And she was just kind of like, Thank you. Thank you that you gave us this beautiful soul that, because, she was just like, and I was just like, Wow. Yeah. it was comforting. Yeah. It was so comforting at the time. And I was like, wow. But we remained friends. I, I haven't seen her. I'm going to look her up. I'm going to stalk her. I'm going to look her up to make sure she's doing okay. Yeah. But, like, she would always reach out to me. Hi, how are you? You know, how are you doing? And it was just something that, like, it was just beautiful, yeah. Like, he had so many friends. My son was, like, very outgoing, and he would make friends left and right, Um, he used to go to John Hancock on 55th, when I was on 55th and Pulaski. And then, when he moved in with me, I had to transfer him to the school that is on John Hancock. Like on 55th and Narragansett. I forget the name of it. It's the high school over here. Kennedy.

Ann: 27:18

Yes.

Mira: 27:18

Yeah. I can't think of it. So even both schools, like the, like both school, like it was, it was so packed in there, and just the, I was just so mesmerized of like, how many people. That he impacted, yeah, and he was just he he's just so precious, and I just think the Lord for him, yeah, I wish I could have had more years, and yes, every year that passes by, time has frozen, right? Um, because. Every, every time I see my nieces and nephews, I know it was hard for me at first, you know, getting together with my nieces and nephews and I think I even felt kind of like. I don't want to say resentment, but kind of like, man, I'm never going to see my son, age, right? Like, like, I have him here 15, you know, and it's like, I'm never going to see. Like how he would look now in his twenties and his thirties, if he had any kids, grandkids, and that's always going to be something that I'm going to long for, right? But through just through that heartache. I knew the Lord was drawing near and near to me. And I know there's a there's a verse that says he, sorry, I'm not really good at like, you know, memorizing a lot of stuff. But I know he's near the broken hearted. Yes, he's near like near he's not just like there. He's near he's close. Yeah. And I felt that when I when I read that verse now in the Lord. I, I was like, wow, he was near to me that day that I was on my knees asking him for help. And I was a nonbeliever, right? And it's just amazing that even the nonbelievers, like he's near to them, he's near to them. In your brokenness, he's there. Just call on him. That's all he wants is for you to call on him. And, a lot of people say, yeah, because I've had family. Yeah, it's you're just a hypocrite because you only call him when you need him. He wants you to call him when you need him. He wants you to call him to recognize that you can't do things on your own because you can't. You can't. And, um, so like because of that, yes, I came to the Lord and I would always hear people say, yeah, you came to the Lord because you lost something, but we all need the Lord. And, and I remember, I always thought like, well, I have to, I have to get my life together. I have to get my life. Right before I come to the Lord. No, come to him in your brokenness. Come to him and with your like with your messed up life even if you're doing drugs, just come to him He's gonna be the one that gets the glory when he transforms you Yeah, and a lot of people they don't get it, and it's just so heartbreaking that It's like you don't, you don't understand how amazing the Lord is. He's just so amazing. Like he, he took away a lot of addictions from my life. Growing up without parents, without a father figure, like you always grow up thinking like, Oh, Prince Charming, whenever I get married, when I just need a man, no, you don't, you need the Lord, you need Jesus, right? And, I'm a working.

Ann: 30:42

Progress. Yeah. Yeah. In progress.

Mira: 30:46

I still have things that the Lord has to like help me through, but I, because I'm not going to be afraid to, if, if I mess up, I'm not gonna. Push back from him. I'm going to draw near to him, now that I'm a believer, like I understand that because the Lord, the more you press on in the word in sermons and, and however the Lord will speak to you, sometimes even in worship music, yeah, he gives you that like courage to keep fighting to keep pushing, so after my son passed away we, buried him, I found that I was pregnant and I remember saying, I just want my son back. I want my son back. Obviously I know I'm not going to replace him. Right. I would never be able to replace him. He was. Unique and different and wonderful, and but I just I was just like so like grieving like I was just like, like I was not there like I was physically there, but I was really not there, and I remember when I found out I was pregnant. Um, I went to the same doctor as when I had my daughter and, um, I remember my son, he was 10 when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. So it was a 10 year gap. I was really not thinking of having any more kids, but I had my daughter and it was 10 years apart. So he was a big part of like going to doctor visits, going to ultrasounds, finding out the gender, So. When he found out it was I wish I would have had phones back then like with video with good video because I would have I would have got him in so many like videos, when he we found out it was a girl. He was so happy. He Oh my gosh, he loves his sister. Like he loved his sister, And so when I found out I was pregnant with my son now, um, I went to the same clinic, you know, but it was so heartbreaking because when they did the ultrasound, I just thought of like when my son was here, so when I found out it was a boy, I just started to cry, and, I knew like the Lord had to send me something to comfort me and to push me through. Because again, at that time, I was just ready to just go. I was ready to go. I just couldn't deal with it. It's like I wanted to give up, it's like I wanted to give up. I felt like I'm, it's not worth it. I'm not worth it anymore, you know? And of course my daughter too, like, I, I was just like, no, I can never leave her by herself, like, she's, I remember, like, me not having my parents and being a girl, a little girl and always, I would always see, like, in grammar school when, parents would drop off my classmates and I would, always long for a mother, a hug of a mother, a hug of a father. Yeah. And I was like, man, I wish I had my parents, yeah. And so I, I just couldn't, I was like, no, my daughter needs me. Like she needs me. And now I have this miracle baby, and my belly growing and. He needs me and whatever I'm going through, I don't want to pass it on to him. So I had to kind of force myself to be happy, but I know that again, I was not in the Lord yet. So I was just had to force myself to be happy so that he can be happy in my womb, you know? And, um, so I really tried, but, you're grieving a loss. It's, it's. You know, you just can't, and so yeah, finally, my little guy came to the world and I was just like, so in love, but at the same time, I felt bad. I was like, I'm so in love with my baby, but I feel bad because I don't have my other son. So again, the enemy was playing a part in making me feel like, like, how dare you love what about the other one, kind of thing, and I was like, No, no, so, yeah, um, yeah, so then, I remember going back to work after I had my little guy, and maybe I want to say he was already a year now. And I remember at work, there was this brother, which Really amazed me. And I think, um, that's kind of what kind of convinced me about Christianity. I remember, um, in, in my past, um, there were these, uh, Christian ladies that wanted to kind of, convert me, I guess, but the way they would treat. Their employees it just did it the way they were treating them was just not right So I was like, no, no, no, but I remember meeting this brother I worked at a hotel. So he was our linen runner brother James and this man He had no education, and he would preach the word. Yeah. And he didn't even finish high school. And he was in the cafeteria just bold and preaching the word. I remember I would see him from the far distance. I'm like, what is he doing? Why is he acting that way? What is this? You know? So there was this other colleague, um, she, it's funny and, and I love her to death, but the Lord used her to bring me to Christ and look how, look the person who he had to use. Now this sister, I wouldn't hang around with her cause I don't know. I just kind of, at that time I started, I just didn't want to swear anymore, it wasn't lady. Like, I remember. A sister of mine who passed away in a car accident, she would always say, I don't know, it doesn't look right when you swear, we shouldn't be swearing. It's not ladylike, I had kind of stopped swearing,, and acting worldly, I guess. And, um, so she would act that way. So I would kind of not be around her, yeah. But I remember when brother James, he was so excited. I remember I saw him one time and he's like, Oh, you know, Michelle, she gave her life to the Lord. I'm like, what, what is, I don't even know what that means, but okay. And, um, and then later on she comes to work and I see a big difference. It's a big difference. Like I see her complete, like I, the glow, right, the glow, um, and I remember she would always have her little Bible and the people she used to hang out with that were bad mouth, gossipers, I guess, they were kind of get away from her. They will make faces like, here she comes with her little Bible, you know? And I remember I was, I felt, it's funny, the Lord, I felt him pulling. Towards her, like he was pulling me towards her and I was like, what? No, no. And then, um, I remember one time I see her in the cafeteria and then I'm like, can I go sit with you? She's like, yeah, yeah. And then, I go sit with her and we're just, she's not shoving it up anywhere. She's not like, talking down or talking it in my ear. No, she was like, Hey, I just have a question like, um, yeah, what do you think about Mary? And remember, that was, one thing that I had a question about. Yeah, having all these. Different religions kind of thing, and I was like, yeah, you know, I kind of shared, what had happened the day of my, the restaurant with my daughter. And then she opens up the book and she's like, you know, Mary was a sinner like us. And I'm like, what? No way, that's not what I was told growing up. Like, she's like, and then she opened the, she, she took me to with the word, right? Yeah. And you know, the, the word doesn't come back empty or void, right? So I remember that day I was like, the enemy was tormenting me like at this time, because I'm trying to commit, and now it's like, she's bringing this that like mind blowing and I'm like, Oh my gosh, um, I couldn't sleep that night. Um, but she was just filling me up on, yeah, she was a sinner like us, but the Lord, chose her to, have Jesus and she kind of did a little. simple thing. Mm-Hmm. I was like, wow, okay. I go home that day. I'm, I can't sleep. Mm-Hmm. Because then I hear like, no, that's a lie. That's a lie. No, no, no. Yes it is. Yes. Mm. It was like tug of war. Yeah. For my life, honestly. Tug of war and, um. And then she will, because she had mentioned, she's like, yeah, you want to accept Jesus as your savior. I'm like, I don't know how to do that. Like, do we got to go to a church? Well, how do you

Ann: 38:58

do that? Yeah. Yeah.

Mira: 39:01

So, yeah. So that I think she did that after. So that the next day I was like, I couldn't sleep that night. I was like, yes, I'm ready. I'm ready. We go to the locker room. Okay. The locker room at our job and she's like, just, say this and accept him with your heart. And I was like, and I'm still like, wow, but don't we need like a priest, because I don't know. Yeah. She's like, No, just accept them in your heart and believe. I'm like, Okay, and I did it. And when I did it, I felt like something was lifted off of me. And I was like, Praise God, you know. And after that, we would have Bible study up in Like, during our lunch time and you know the enemy is always coming, HR got involved, like they shouldn't be doing that at work and then, but the good thing is that the general manager actually was a believer. We went straight to him. We're like, Hey, you know, we want to keep doing Bible study, like we need Bible study. Yeah. And he was like, go right ahead. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. Uh huh. So, obviously, in the beginning of my walk, I was just like, uh, yeah, no, yeah, no. And, you know, the sister, she was bold. She was like, let's go pray over people, you know. I'm like, what? No, no. I don't know how. I don't know. I've always been like, um. Very shy and timid and like, no, I don't want to speak out with people. Like even now I'm nervous, but not really anymore. Yeah,

Ann: 40:29

not really. I love that though. God connects us with people almost the opposite of us, right? Yeah,

Mira: 40:38

I love that. Completely, completely. And, uh, yeah, we were just like praying over people. They were getting healed at the moment. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, what is this? You know the Lord put her because I, I needed somebody like bold at the time, because I'm so stubborn, right? She was like, go. But again, It's funny. She was so hungry for the Lord. I just admire her walk with the Lord. Not envious at all. But just like, man, she was like, it was just so inspiring. I'm like, I want to be like her Lord,

Ann: 41:14

you know? Some, some people just. They have this boldness about them, this tenacity, you know, like this fire for the Lord. Yes. Like a Paul. A zeal. Um, but, and it's beautiful to see, especially when you know that that's not your strength, you know, that's, that's something that the Lord's still working in on you, right? But it's beautiful when he brings you alongside. Other believers that, that have that fire, that hunger, because it almost rubs off on you. It does. Like, where's that coming from? It does. Where's this boldness coming from?

Mira: 41:49

Right? It does. Beautiful. I remember, I remember like in the beginning, I'm like, man, I felt like nothing bothered me. Like, nothing. Like, people were like, blah, blah, blah. What? And it's funny because I, I still talk with them and I'm like, man, I miss those days. I feel like I'm kind of like fading away, but no, I'm not going to fade away. I'm going to let the Lord use me no matter however, you know? Yeah. I know there are seasons where like he wants us to separate because then I realized that I was getting too like, not clingy, but like I was relying on them always. But the Lord has to separate us. He had to separate us in order for him to get like my attention, full attention. Yeah.

Ann: 42:30

it's like after some time he kind of weans us off, our mentors almost, in the faith, right. People that kind of lead us. And then, he separates, but now he's, he's ministering to us, right? And he wants us to completely rely on him, right? So people play important roles in our faith, in our walk, in our journey with God. But ultimately it's always to point us to him, right? And to draw our hearts. To him. And so everyone is vital. Everyone he puts in our life is vital. They play a vital role in our journey. Um, but I'm, I'm in total agreement with you. There'll be seasons. Where the Lord will keep you to himself. Yes. Right. And that's so that you can allow him to minister to your heart and allow your, your eyes to be focused on him, become reliant upon him and not man. Right. But on him. Yes. I hear you. Yeah.

Mira: 43:37

Yeah. It's such a beautiful thing. It is. It is.

Ann: 43:41

Mina, I wanted to ask you, You came to share your story. This is courage. This is boldness, and I'm thankful God gave you that courage and boldness to share your story today. It's never easy to talk about the loss of a loved one, um, nevertheless a child, you know, your child. And so I'm thankful that you've shared this part of your story in hopes that it will help someone who's listening right now. What would you say to a parent who is having trouble? With their son or daughter right now somebody who's saying I can relate to you mean on my child I'm trying to help them. Nothing's helping. I'm trying to get them to see a therapist That's not what would what would you say to them?

Mira: 44:39

I mean, well, first of all, I would just say, like, just pray for them, like prayer, prayer helps. Like, it's kind of like when you pray, like there is a war going on, right? And we want to, we like, if I would have been like, yeah, I would say like, you know, with my son, Lord, help me. I don't know what else to do. And I think at one point I said, Lord, just take him because I don't want to see him suffer. Right? I mean, Um, but I think the first thing is like just pray for them, love them, even, even when they're going through like a hard time and You know, you feel helpless or hopeless sometimes they probably just want to talk about something, maybe just, um, if I wronged you, forgive me, like, let me know there's so I always, I always feel like when people are, you know, when children are going through like hard times, maybe something happened to them when they were younger, that they can't talk about, um, And the only reason they say this is because, I still have my daughter, teenager, right? And it's a scary season, right? After I just, you know, lost my son. But I'm giving her to the Lord. Right? And I'm going to fight for her in the spirit. I'm going to fight for her in prayer. I'm going to if I have to fast, I'm going to fast, right? Because that's my child, right? That's the child that the Lord lend us, right? There are children in the world, but ultimately, they're God's children, right? Um, you know, don't be hard on them either. Like, I noticed, I was tough. I was tough with him. And I would just say, get yourself together. But, you know, it's like, how do, how do I know, you know, especially if they're boys, like, they're not gonna. I mean, maybe some will open up and say, but like, it's always hard for boys to kind of say, Oh yeah, I'm getting bullied because they're boys, what I realized is us as parents play a big role. It's hard to say it, but it is. Like, us as parents, sometimes we want our kids to prosper and, succeed and we put so much pressure on them, right? Or we keep them busy and sometimes they don't want to do it, sometimes that's just not their calling. That's just not how they feel. And I get it. Like you want to keep them busy so that they don't go the wrong, the wrong route. But at the end, sometimes they end up going the, you know, the wrong route. Um, yeah. Yeah. But I think just listening to them, sitting down, spending time with them, like, Hey, you know, I know when it's like a family of like, I don't know, five or six, it's hard to have that individual time with each child because even now with my two, I sometimes I feel better. I'm going to take my daughter out, but then leave my son and then vice versa. And it's like, Oh, it's you get torn between right. Just listening to them, not blaming them, it brings me back to like the prodigal son, right? Yeah. It's like, sometimes they have to go their way and they have to make their own mistakes so that they can one day realize like, wow, okay, let me come back to my mom or let me come back to my parents kind of thing. It's hard. It's hard as a parent. It's so hard to let them go, but sometimes they have to make their own mistakes, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But at the end of the day, just love them. If they mess up, just love them. Don't go to sleep without telling them you love them. Without giving them a hug. I know sometimes when my daughter gets me upset, I'm like, but then I'll go up to her room and I'm like, I'm sorry, you know, I'm sorry. And then she'll come and give me a hug, you know? And it's just understanding like the teenage years, it's hard. It's so much out there too. It's so many bad influence, all this YouTube and all this other stuff, you know, you can't completely keep them away from it because they're going to find and figure out how to get on it. so it's just kind of just pray for them and don't beat yourself up. Parents. Yeah. I know, like, as parents, we, work so hard and we try so hard to bring up our kids the right way. And, sometimes they go the wrong way. Don't beat yourself up, We're gonna mess up, you know that we're gonna mess up like we're not perfect, right? We're not perfect. Yeah. We need God's grace. Yes. Yes. And you know what? One thing I do kind of, it's funny because even in the moment where I'm like, not happy with my daughter, I think of like, wow. How many times do I mess up with God? How many times do I mess up with him? How many times does he tell me go this way, but then I go that way? Yeah, mercy grace and mercy a lot of it. Yes

Ann: 49:30

I agree. I agree and thank you for sharing that I think it sheds light, to the to those parents out there who Are struggling right now with their children, I think teenagers, especially is a tough stage in their life. They're starting to get to know who they are. Yes, and they're struggling and as you mentioned. In particular with boys, girls are a little bit more open, they're a little bit more in tuned with their feelings, right? Boys really struggle, and they struggle with being vulnerable, right? And so, thank you for sharing that. I also want to speak to that parent or, maybe family member who has lost a loved one to suicide. What would you say has comforted you the most in your grief,?

Mira: 50:30

I think, the first, obviously I was not in the Lord, right? And when I came to the Lord, uh, the book of Job was, oh, I was just, when I read that for the first time ever, I was like, wow, this man lost everything. Right. And, um, you know, again, like our kids are not, they're ours in this world, but they're not ours. They were lent, you know? So like, I, I think when I figured that out, I was like, Oh, okay. But I mean, that doesn't stop the hurt, right? Yeah. It doesn't stop the hurt. Um, I, you know, it's one of the hardest things. For me to like, be able to tell parents because we all grieve differently, right? Yes. And there's no words, um. I mean, being a believer, obviously I came to the Lord after, right? It's just continue to, seek the Lord. Right. I feel like, when I came to the Lord, I was just hungry for him. I was hungry and I was broken. But the other thing was like, Lord, I need to know where my son is. And I think that was another, reason, supposedly reason, right? Because I know the Lord was already drawing me to like, I'm going to come to the Lord because I need to know where my son is. Right. Yeah. But at the same, but in the end, he just, I even forgot about that question. I just came to him. Yeah. I came to him. Your own need for him. Yeah. He's the only one that can comfort you. No. I mean, I, I remember, um. You know, going to counseling, going to therapy, like regular therapy without, not a Christian therapy, and I, I would still struggle. I would, yeah, I mean, it helps at first, but then, nobody can really tell you that, um, you know, like, I can tell you how you feel because I went through it, but nobody else is going to be able to comfort you in that level because they haven't, I would say, like, just surround yourself with like other, um believers and just when you're having even like, it's okay to cry, you know? It's okay to cry out to the Lord and ask him, Lord, I, I like, you know why. Yeah, I know. A lot of times people were like, don't ask the Lord. Why? Because you know, you can't. I'm like, no, I need to know why. Yeah. Like, I need to know why he lent me this child. I need to know why he's taking them, you know? Mm-Hmm. Just continue to seek the Lord. I know with like believers, you're always questioning, but why, why, why I do this and I do that and, but stop and think and say, okay, was I seeking the Lord because of that? Or was I really seeking him because I wanted to know him? Right. Was it the relationship that I wanted with the Lord or was it just, I'm just doing it because I want you to protect my family. Like we can't save our children. They have to come to the Lord themselves. They do, and even in those, broken moments of them trying to, take their lives, that could be a cry for the Lord, he's so near when you're broken, like he is so near. Just call out to him

Ann: 53:44

Thank you so much for again sharing your story and for sharing about your son I know that this is gonna help a lot of families that are Maybe going through the same thing you're going through that you went through And like you said grief never ends, you know, it comes in waves Um, when you lose someone that you truly loved and that you cared for, and, um, and one thing you mentioned is you, you take comfort in the Lord, you take comfort in him. Uh, and then also a community of people who love you and care for you too, right? That's important to have a listening ear when you need one. Yeah.

Mira: 54:32

Right. Yeah. Yeah. I remember, um, I think another sister came to me and she told me. You know, she shared that another, one of her friends lost their son and like what do you even them? I'm like Don't say nothing to them. Grieve. And again, the book of Job, right? Just cry with them, grieve with them, and just being there. not even saying, God, no, just don't say nothing. Don't say nothing. Just comfort them. Just be there, be there. And just let them, if they have memories, let them share the memories. just if they cry, cry with them. You don't have to say, Oh, it's going to be okay. No, no, just don't say that. Yeah. Don't say that. Yeah. You know. Yeah.

Ann: 55:22

And thanks for touching on that as well. Um, Amita, before we end this podcast, is there any words that you have for our listeners?

Mira: 55:35

If you, if anybody, seeks the Lord, again, he's the only comforter, right? Um, I know with this whole suicide awareness, like. I don't know. I'm just not, not there yet, I guess, right. I'm not there yet to be able to like support like that whole, organization, I'm more of like, I'm here for you if you need. Yeah. If you need to talk to me, if you need to, if you need like, um, I don't know, if you need somebody to cry with, I'm here. Yes. Right. The one on one. Yes. Yes. The one on one. And people need that. Yeah.

Ann: 56:16

They need that. The one on one can sometimes be of more support than a whole group of people raising awareness. And, and you know, again, like we said, everyone grieves different, everyone celebrates the life of their loved one differently. Right. Um, but I'm with you on that one on one support, um, because in your grief, sometimes you just, you just don't want to share it with everybody. Yeah. Yeah. You, if you can just be intimate with yourself for one person, that's enough. Yes. And so, yeah, thank you for sharing that. Um, it just makes us more aware. Yes. You know, um, of how we can support a loved one who, who may have lost someone to suicide. Yeah. So thank you. And I just want to, I just want to say to our listeners, I thank you for tuning in to this episode. If you are someone who, you know, you have a loved one struggling with suicidal ideation, struggling with, maybe depression, you know, those are some signs that you start to see right before someone contemplates suicide. There's help for you. There's help for your family. I will be posting some. Links, if you need help, because you're not alone, you're not alone. Your family's not alone. oNe thing I need to share and one thing that Mina just kept highlighting was her relationship with Jesus Christ. Him wanting to take care of you. Him wanting to just draw near to you. God loves you and you're not alone. aNd so, Again, thank you for listening to this episode, Mira. Thank you for being my guest. Thank you for inviting me. You are so welcome. It's such a blessing. You're so welcome. And thank you all for listening to this episode of Her Scars Tell a Story.