"Letting God heal my heart" with Lucia H.

Meet my Guest,
Santalucia Hernandez, best known as Lucia, hails from the South Side of Chicago. A product of the Chicago public school system, she became a first-generation college student at the University of Wisconsin- Madison. She currently works for Chicago Debates helping build debate programs in underserved schools in Chicago.

Lucia gave her life to Christ in 2015 in Humacao, Puerto Rico and rededicated her life by getting baptized in 2016 at New Life Midway and has not turned back since then.

Lucia talks about trusting God to heal the wounds of her heart and her healing journey. She recalls how many times she wanted to give in to her old ways of thinking and old destructive patters because it was familiar and comfortable to her.
It's taken time to leave what was familiar and step out in faith into her calling. Lucia wants to encourage young women to give themselves an opportunity to let God heal their hearts and transform them. I pray you'll be encouraged by her insperational story.

Transcript

0:08

Hey there friends, my name is Ann Calvillo and welcome to Her Scars Tell a Story podcast, a safe space for women from all different walks of life and different backgrounds coming together to share their stories of God's redeeming love. So grab your cup of coffee and journey with us now.

Ann: 0:37

Hey there, friends. Welcome to Her Scars Tell a Story podcast. I'm your host, Ann Calvillo, and I'm with my wonderful guest today. Her name is Lucia. I met Lucia, I want to say, a few months ago at a women's conference, and I had the opportunity to sit in on her, A panel. That's right. She's on a panel. And I was just captivated by the way she was able to ask questions. The way she was able to communicate with the women that were on the panel. I just was like, man, I need to have this young woman. On this podcast because I believe she had there's a story behind that like there's there's you know Story, but I just want to welcome you

Lucia: 1:21

Lucia. Welcome. Thank you so much for having me Inviting me and like sometimes you don't feel like you have a story to tell but it was really nice that You found you know a story in me and that's really exciting to be able to share with other people So that they can not make the same mistake

Ann: 1:41

Yeah, right. And I, and I love that you say that because You know, we can learn a lot from people from the good, from their mistakes, you know, from their redemptive part of their story, right? Um, which is why you're here today, my friend. I

Lucia: 2:00

feel like that's how I kind of like live my life, you know, by, um, either good examples or the ones I do not want to repeat. Um, I've had mentors in my life that helped, you know, shape my life. So, um, I feel like that's. That's like a theme in like my story and what I do, you know, being like that example or, you know, seeing what not to do. Yeah.

Ann: 2:23

And that's part of our Christian walk, right? Um, is learning and growing. And as we're doing that, following Christ in the, in the middle of that, just following Christ and learning as we go, because there's so much to learn about ourselves. There's so much to learn about him. There's so much to learn from one another, right? Go ahead and introduce yourself and where you

Lucia: 2:48

came from. Yeah, my name is Santa Lucia Luz Hernandez Muñiz, but most people just call me Lucia. I am from the south side of Chicago. I was born and raised, for the most part, um, in that area. in like Gage Park area. Okay. And um, I lived a year in Puerto Rico when I was in kindergarten. That was really cool. I kind of learned a lot of like fundamentals, like ABCs, 1, 2, 3s in Spanish. Are you Puerto Rican? I have Puerto Rican and half Mexican. All right. My parents get along, like they love each other. You know. The best of both worlds. Yeah. But most people, like the first question they always ask me, they're like, Um, do your parents get along? Like, no, they do. They get along, you know? They are divorced, but that doesn't stop the love that they have for one another. Yeah. Yeah. But, um, talking about learning and like growing, one of the things that I definitely had to learn, you know, to get where I am today is like healing. And like learning to do the hard work of healing. I know that like, for me, I was just so used to like stuffing things and like, um, like not really dealing with things, but like covering it up, you know, and like having a smile on like being productive and like, you know, Like, filling my life with things, um, and events and schedules and activities, right? Until I feel like, you know, God really had to, like, sit me down and was like, Lucia, you need to do some healing in your life, you know? So, yeah.

Ann: 4:32

Wow. Coming from a young woman, I know you shared your age with me, but

Lucia: 4:37

32. 32 Yep. Yep.

Ann: 4:39

Not a shame. Very awesome. Awesome. Uh, and I'm 45.

Lucia: 4:43

Just turned 45 yesterday. Yes. So you look good.

Ann: 4:46

Shame. Thank you. No shame. Um, but I wanna say that at 32 for you to grasp that. To really understand that, hey, there's hard work to do in healing. That's big. That speaks volumes. Because it's taken me years, now even in my forties, to recognize that. And so, I applaud you. And that's why I know the Lord has you on here, for a reason. That at your age, you can identify. You know, that, that work that goes into healing that, that surrender to God, that acknowledging, right, that, Hey, I need help. I need help. I thought everything was good,

Lucia: 5:35

but I'm not okay. Yeah. Definitely. I doubt a lot of moments in my life where. You know, I'm like, I'm just not okay, but I am going through the motions of things, you know, I think I really had to come to a point. And I think I'm still learning that healing is a journey. There's like ebbs and flows to that journey that I have to like, really embrace. but if I don't start it, then like, I can't really See the fruits of that healing process, you know So, anybody that is like maybe on the fence of the healing journey or like man Should I like dive right in it's like, yes do it, Embrace it, start it Start it. And be patient, especially with yourself in that healing journey. There was like moments, in the journey and still like now, you know Where I become impatient because I start like judging myself I should know better and then I put that characteristic on God and be like, God probably tells me I should know better. I should do this. I should do that. And it's like, no, this journey, it's taken me what, 32 years to get all this baggage. I can't think it's going to happen overnight. And I need to be patient with myself so that I can continue that process. But I think the healing journey that I started, the seeds were planting before it like, Like burst it out, you know, and the scene started planting when in my last relationship, I got into relationship thought, I just graduated from college kind of have my dream job it took a couple of years, but got my dream job, I'm gonna settle down with this person, all of this stuff and then, there was things in the relationship. Just intimacy issues, right? I was just like, why can't I connect with this person, you know? Like, what's happening, you know? And, I remember I called, a therapist, I wanted to get therapy. And I was just like, I need help with my anger issues. I don't know why I thought I had anger issues, but I was like, I need help with my anger issues. And I remember going to the office and just telling her how much I don't know, I just felt sad about my life, but it was weird because I feel like I was too young, I had so much going for myself, I, had family, friends, I should be at kind of the peak, I should be, really happy, but I wasn't, I was, like, so sad, so, I started going to therapy, and it really helped me to, Start to see how my childhood growing up, some of the things I've witnessed or has happened to me and then in college as well, some like my own doing some not my own doing that those things like impact your life. Yeah. Leave scars, and if you don't deal with them, they come out in different ways, and it's ugly, you know, because it starts hurting other people, you think, you know, maybe it won't hurt that person, but it starts hurting you, and then you start overflowing all your hurt onto other people, So when I started going to therapy, I started realizing man, this is so much deeper than I thought that it was, and I am scared to dive deep. I remember when I would go to therapy and I would talk about it, I'm just like, I am so scared. Too. Like unveil some of the things I've like stuffed in my life that I would never be okay again, I'm just, I'm such a happy person. I'm so positive. I don't want to be stuck in my sadness or just in the past, you know. But I think in stuffing all of that, I was stuck in the past, I was doing a lot more damage, I was trying to stuff it as much as possible and hide it, from other people that I would party all the time, you know, I had different relationships and stuff like that. And I was just like, yeah, that's not healthy. That is not healthy. So it was really hard. And I think in therapy, like, it definitely started planting the seeds. I wouldn't say my healing journey started there. It was like, the seeds that God was planting of being like, Lucia, this is so much deeper than you could ever imagine. Start, taking off the layers and stuff. I just remember being in therapy, like, so many times being like, I'm scared of unveiling this and not having control of how it's going to come out. Yeah. Yeah.

Ann: 10:32

You said something, Lucia, you said, You were scared. You were scared of what you would find once you'd go deep, once you would feel that hurt, once you would feel what it was that you were in some ways trying to avoid feeling, right? Yes. By... Escaping, right? Being productive, kind of going, doing, going,, trying to escape what's really underneath it all. Covering it with a smile, with laughter, with, whatever that looked like. The scary part. Is a lot of times what we run from and so a lot of us because we don't want to feel that, because it's scary, it's painful, we choose to sweep it under the rug, or we choose to numb it, avoid it, right, but like you said, and I love that you said it comes out in our relationships, it comes out in our attitudes, It, it leaks, we begin to leak it out, right? And you said you had to do that work. You had to do that hard work within you and revisit it. In it, how did you see Jesus in your healing?

Lucia: 12:13

I think, therapy really helped me, out in, in seeing some of the patterns. I also, like, a lot of people in the podcast, I was listening to the podcast before, would talk about, like, how God, does it. Like all of the things that happened to you in your past, right? God doesn't waste it. Yeah. Those experiences, you know, and as I'm like, Unwrapping this. It's amazing how God is so patient and compassionate and, like, loving when you're unveiling these things, right? Because, like, it's like one step at a time, you know? He just planted those seeds in therapy to help me see that things, like, it needs to go deep, you know? And that helped me to see, like, Maybe I should start the process and stuff, but God is such a gentleman that he would never, pry too hard, and step by step, and that's what God was doing, It's been a journey. My story has been a journey, but I feel like that's cuz that's the person that I am You know, I'm like very patient like calculated plan the things I want to do, you know I feel like God knows that I work that way. So In the beginning, he was like planting the seeds of being like Lucia, like there's some work that you need to do. There's some things that I want to show you that you need healing from, and that you need to... If you really want to walk with me, to like, love me, to like, love other people, forgive other people, right, like, you need to do the healing, you need to start, trusting me, you need to start seeing that you can't keep stuffing things. I still use some of the things I've learned in therapy, to this day Trying to work through things now, I don't feel like I need to go back to therapy right now But I do like it as a tool to help me kind of navigate certain things in my life So, I feel like that's how kind of God was working in that time period Just like planning things because I accepted God At that moment and I was still trying to do my own thing and then I broke up with my ex boyfriend it was it's crazy. I learned so much, but I also, was so heartbroken, from that. When we broke up I was at a really low moment in my life. I was 28. I think back about it, I was like, oh my gosh, I was so old. But, in the moment, I thought I was, like, so old. But, like, thinking back, I was like, oh my gosh, I was so young. But I was, 28, I felt like, I was feeling like I had a midlife crisis of What am I doing with my life, I'm just partying. I'm like went back to partying and drinking and avoided doing I was kind of going to therapy, but not really putting it into place and It was just one of those moments. It's just like a cycle. Yeah, every weekend I don't want to deal with my breakup. I don't want to deal with how sad I am I don't want to deal with like what happened in that relationship So I am just going to do what I always do right and just like Get in a cycle, you know that. Yeah. So I was like kind of like in a midlife crisis. At 28. At 28!

Ann: 15:45

At

Lucia: 15:47

28! Oh my gosh, it's crazy. Um, but you know, I also, I remember like walking to work one day.

Ann: 15:54

And the reason why I say that is because I feel like it's a lot more common now. That women in their 20s, middle to late 20s begin to feel that. So yeah, thank you for sharing that.

Lucia: 16:04

Yeah, yeah, and I felt it was a midlife crisis, but also I felt very ungrateful because I was like, I I still have my dream job. I'm getting more responsibilities. They're trusting me more I'm no longer just, a debater. I'm like a staff now, right? So I was gaining more influence, and then I was at the church. I was at church and everything like I was trying to be in life groups, get involved a little bit more. I was just like, I feel very ungrateful, because I feel like I have everything going for myself, but why do I feel like I'm also in this other cycle? Yeah, that you know partying on the weekends and trying to like fill my life with things to do and involvement instead of dealing with What's in front of me, and still trying to heal from past traumas just past childhood things, So I remember praying to God and just being like, God, I don't know why I'm done, but I'm just done. If this is all you have for me, I'm grateful. Like, help me to be grateful because from the south side of Chicago, I have a college degree, I have a good paying job, I need to be grateful. I have a family that loves me, I'm a cool person, right? I need to be grateful. Or God, if there's something else that you want to do with my life, I'm open. I'm open wherever you want, whatever you want to do. Yeah, and I thought it was gonna be like a career change or something. Yeah, but um, I remember seeing a post for a job in California, and I was like, maybe I need a leave. Hmm, and then I was like, I convinced myself out of it, and then somebody from my office heard that I was looking For that job, and there's only 23 Urban Debate Leagues in this country. So I work at Chicago There's one at in San Jose, California. Okay, and There was somebody, in our office that said that they were um, or I told them like hey I was just thinking about this job. Do you know anything about this Urban Debate League? You know, just like yeah I don't know just having that conversation and he I didn't know this at that time, but he reached out to the executive director and told him about me and everything like that. So the executive director reached out to me, and I didn't know any of this, until after the fact, but, the executive director, reached out to me, so I saw the posting, I convinced myself out of, applying, and the executive director, reaches out to me, like, two, three weeks later, and was like, hey, I heard you may be, interested in, this position, like, you want to have a chat, you know? Yeah. It was crazy cause you see the prayer I didn't think too much of it. I was like, maybe God, this is what you have for me, right? But then, you know, when I was like, God, is this what you want? So I was like, I'll just have a conversation with him. I had a conversation with him. And at that moment, he was just speaking everything like, That I was just like, I do want to like actually start teaching debate, I was in, my dream job, but I felt like too disconnected from actually the community building that I wanted to do, like the teaching of the students. Okay. Okay. So we talked and he was like, I'll make you a good offer and that was just the bait, God already started putting, it was so crazy that story to like talk about days, just the way in which God perfectly aligned everything, I'm just so mind blown by, like, that. One prayer, and I tell people to this day, be careful what you pray for, because you have to be ready because God does answer prayers, I was thinking I'm just going to get another job in Chicago. That's okay. But God was like, man, I want to do something so powerful in your life. That will blow your mind. And that's when the healing journey actually started, I feel like here in Chicago, he started planting the seeds started showing me, hey,, you need to put in this work, and it was, and then I, that's when I moved to California, this is in 2019, So I got out of the relationship like December of 2018, and then August 2019, I was in California. Yeah. It was like February, I made the prayer, March I started interviewing. June they gave me the offer and they're like, when can you start? And they're like next month and I was like, give me till August. So I moved out like end of July and was in California early August, in a hotel room. I don't know what I'm doing., I don't have housing. I just drove down here and just like trusting you. Trusting God, the beginning steps of like trusting God, so that's a big move. Pretty bold. Yeah. Yeah. When I like share the story and they're like, I could never, I was just like, you know what? I don't know. I don't know what got into me, but I do know what got into me, you know, and I literally could not have done it if God wasn't there showing me step by step every. Like step of the way, I'm mostly a planner I like to do things on the whim, but I also like having like a general plan Yeah, when I got this offer and everything like that. I didn't even know where San Jose was Yeah, I thought I was going to like hell I like LA I was like I'm only gonna be like 30 minutes from LA. This would be so amazing like uh huh Northern California, completely different from Southern California, and even the weather, the temperature is different. I was like, it's only 90 degrees, I'm gonna love it. Nope, completely different. I didn't even do any research to San Jose. I just drove out there and was like, I'm, I only had a hotel for one week because I didn't save money because I wasn't planning to move like halfway across the country. Uh huh. Right? And I, was like, I could only afford a week in this hotel room. So if I don't get a apartment within this week, I'm gonna be living in my car. Which is not uncommon in San Jose. You know? Okay. So, I was like, oh, okay. The day before, I, signed the lease to a place. And then they're like, when do you want to, like, I was like, tomorrow, like, tomorrow. So I went to my hotel room, slept, and then that day I had to leave. Oh my goodness. Yeah, God is like, so perfect. And that timing. Yeah. So great, so great. So it was like, really helpful and that's kind of like, um, I don't know what. That separation, like I needed to be separated. Some people can heal in their environment. And everything like that, more power to you. But for me, in my experience, I really needed to. Get separated from my comfort zone. Yeah. From, what I've known, you know? Cause that was my prayer of, God, help me to be more grateful about what you've given me. Cause, I could've never imagined this as a Southside girl, you know? Yeah. This be my life, right? But if you have something more, Let me see it. And let me step out into it, you know? And I feel like when I said that prayer and see things started aligning for me, I'm just like, I have to go. There was a song during that time. Oceans. Yeah. Elevation worship. Yeah, I believe so. Uh huh. And I don't know if it was new, but it was new to me. Yeah. And I remember Hearing that song and the first verse, I'm like bawling in tears, you know? Because I'm like, I prayed for this. And now I'm like, I don't know if God, this is you. I don't know if this is what you want from me, you know? But it's like... I did pray for it. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So, be prepared. Yeah. Beware of your prayers, because God will answer them. So, For me, there was two things that really helped me in this healing journey and the first is like that separation from my family because anytime like anything would go wrong or something's horrible happening in my life, I'd run to my family and my friends, you know, like there's such, they're amazing, I love them so much and they're always there for me, like telling me all these Good affirming things and it's nice to have that like, you know, I I know it's rare. But in that separation, I learned how to lean on God. Yes. I didn't have no fear. And God didn't allow me to have friends in the beginning there. I didn't even think that would be a struggle for me. I am the friendliest person ever. Everybody's lucky to be my friends. Like, talk about self righteousness. Everybody's gonna love me. Everybody's gonna be my friend. There's me throwing at me. Like, you know, themselves at me. And literally got there, everybody thinks I'm weird. Everybody's like, why are you so nice? You're from the south side of Chicago. Are And I'm like, oh my gosh, I just didn't understand, you know, and I also was longing for some of those connections that I built in Chicago, not realizing, like, I'm just meeting these people, of course, I don't have history with them, I don't have the same connection as I do with my family and friends, and I have to be patient in building that connection. But to me, it was like, It should be instant, like, I'm gonna have friends, there's gonna be a hundred, and that didn't happen, you know, so, I became very frustrated, but I also, in that, that moment, I was learning how to, like, lean on God, so I really needed to be separated. And the second one is don't fight it. I feel for so long of being in San Jose, I was trying to fight the healing journey, and God revealed things to me, God was showing me Hey, this is why you do this and this is why you do this and this is why you do this. You know, and I'm like trying to justify my actions trying to just make excuses really they're just excuses right and trying to really fight it and it wasn't until I surrendered. Yeah, I was like, you know what God? Like even when I come to California, you brought me here and I know you did because you aligned it so perfectly. I couldn't have done this. At all,, and I'm here and I'm still fighting you about how you want this experience to be I feel like I went out there on my like, yeah, God, he got me, but I got the rest. Yeah, thank you for getting me to this moment. But like, I can deal with the rest. And like, God was like, No, I brought you here so that I can keep on teaching you and showing you don't fight me, but God was really patient with me, and I feel like that first year, it was a whole year, just me, like, making excuses, fighting him on things, and I feel like when I surrendered, the last two years of, my experience in California was just, like, floodgates of, like, just God healing me, Having breakthroughs in my life, even sharing the story, without shame or guilt, I'm like, I get it. I'm still working on it. Yeah, certain parts of my story that it's hard to talk about, you know, um, so. I, I feel like, it's still a work in progress, right, but it's just like, man, like, God really, I never, there was certain things I'm like, I don't think I could ever speak about this, you know, and I'm able to, you know, with less tears. I remember when I was in therapy and just like, I, there was a lot of sessions that I would just like sob, like for a good 45 minutes, and tell the story and just sob for the rest of it. And that was my therapy session. Yeah. Right there. Sobbing.

Ann: 28:35

Yeah. And, and that's okay. I think, um, I can speak a little bit into that is, you know, tears from the soul. That cry from the heart is just us being honest and transparent before God and before those that we're sharing our story with. That brings. It invites healing and it's therapeutic for our soul because those tears are the cry that we didn't let out when we were going through it. It's it's those moments that we stuffed and we stuffed because we didn't want to feel now the tears are like the cries of those moments where you can actually grieve that hurt. You can actually give yourself permission. To have compassion for yourself, to have empathy with yourself, because a lot of times when we stuff or we avoid or we brush under the table, under the rug, we don't get that opportunity to grieve. And hurt and show empathy and compassion to ourselves. We just kind of tell ourself or we try to convince ourself like you're, you're strong enough for this. You don't have to feel that, don't give into your feelings or your emotions and you develop this kind of hard. Calloused exterior in your heart, but deep inside, deep inside, there's that cry to, to want to really be known for who we are and what we feel. And only God and safe people can, can allow us and give us that space to really share what that even looks like and feels like within, right? in. To those deep, dark, scary places of my heart so that you can heal me there because as of now, I've just kept you at an arm's length, but I want you to come in and do what you need to do in me so that I can be who you've called me to be and so that I can share my story in hopes to. Encourage and help someone else who may feel and think the same way that I'm feeling and thinking, right? And see them, you know, um, have the opportunity to heal too, right? So, I think it's so important that we talk about that and I thank you for sharing that because I think that's like, that's key in healing is allowing God into the most honest parts of ourselves. The most Real parts of ourselves, right? Um, instead of a lot of times, um, what we want others to see. Just the happy, joyful, um, nothing's wrong, I'm good, everything's good kind of attitude, you know? But really saying, you know what? Right now, I'm okay. And if I'm comfortable to share with you why, I will. And if not, that's okay too, you know, because he does surround us with people that we feel safe with. And then there's other people that we can share our story with, but it's just a lot different when you have someone who's safe. You, you're, you're able to really go in

Lucia: 32:35

deeper. Yeah, definitely safe people, your community, I think is super important because I'm glad I'm so I sometimes I joke around and I'm like, I feel like I'm God's favorite because he's given me literally the best people he's created in my circle that, you know, are safe people. And, you know, even my therapist, she knew I was like Christian. So anytime she would recommend things, it would always be like Christian based. Um, so it was like really helpful in that, um, and I love how you mentioned like, you know, it's like a grieving, like, and it was, it felt like, now that I, I'm like, Grieving, like the loss of my uncle and my great grandma, like, this feels very similar, you know, and I'm like, it feels very similar because I felt like I was going through a grieving process, you know, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, in like grieving that old self and the old, like, comfort levels and zone. That I was holding on to for so much and for so long, you know, I was just like, it's okay to put that person to rest. It's okay to like, evolve from that person. And, and... For me, it was like, not only evolve, but like, it's okay to grieve, you know, that person as well, because for so long, it brought you comfort, you know? For so long, it was like, your safe place, you know? Of like, stuffing and everything like that. And it's just like, it's okay to grieve that and like, know that there is like, new things happening, you know? And I remember like, every when I was in California, you know, it was hard to share. That I was going through a tough time because I was in that, I was in there and I was like why am I feeling ungrateful again? Like, God brought me here. He's like, you know, giving me again another great job, another great opportunity. I have a roof over my head, I'm paying my bills, you know. And still feeling like, Just the struggling of healing, and not having my family to just give me a hug, be like, it's gonna be okay, you know? Yeah. So I feel through that whole moment, I was grieving and like, I would be crying, just be in my bed, for two days, just crying, being like, why am I so ungrateful? Why am I being sad about having this amazing opportunity that Most people from my background don't have, you know, but now that I look back, I'm just like, I was totally grieving and now that I'm grieving, you know, actual people that's like gone, not that my old self wasn't an actual person, but you know, people that I love and stuff like that,, my prayers are like, thank God, thank you for, Having me have already experienced some of that, and letting me, not fall into old ways as I'm grieving, you know, because when I was in California, I felt like I was falling into old ways, trying to bring in partying and drinking and, you know, things to cover up. But now, you know, grieving, I'm like, no, I don't want to go back into those old cycles. I'm praying and just being like, God, you're my comforter. Yeah. You're the one that helps me through these things. Not the partying. Not the... Filling up my schedule, not the drinking, like, you're the one that comforts me during these moments, you know, so it's been a lot more helpful, and like, I remember seeing a post and it was like, the real flex is when you're going through similar experiences, but not handling them in the same ways as you did before, now that I see some, things, obviously, You know, something still come up, right? Yeah. And I don't handle it the same way. No. And I'm just like, yes. Yeah. yes. This is the real flex,

Ann: 36:40

you know? Yeah. This is the flex. Mm-hmm. That's good. That's really good that you mentioned that. And it's growth. you wanna see the fruit in your life and that's the fruit. Mm-hmm. that's the fruit of doing, The hard work of healing, right? That's the fruit of knowing that God's with you and you're not alone. Right? I think, for me, that's been probably, one of the biggest parts of my healing journey is knowing I'm not alone. God, you are with me. My tears are not too much for you. My feelings are not too much for you, God. In fact, um, you're patient and you want to know the honest cries of my heart, right? Because what that does is that it invites his love. It invites whatever it is that he needs to do in my life when I'm honest, right? When I'm honest with God. One of the things that I remember, and that really sticks out to me the most, is when Adam and Eve sinned against God, right? And they were covered in shame. he says, Adam, where are you? Knowing where he was, but he wants Adam to look inside and reveal his heart to God. That's why he asked him, where are you? And a lot of times in my healing journey, I've heard that same question, Anne, where are you? Where are you, Anne? And it gives me time to reflect and quiet myself. This is where I'm at, Lord. And he meets me there. He meets me there. He's a loving father. He meets me there. But he doesn't leave me there. He doesn't leave me there. And there's that time where I can, in that moment, sit down and talk with him, have fellowship with him, cry with him, listen to him, hear him, surrender those parts of my heart to him. Yeah. And he comforts me. Not only does he comfort me, he'll challenge me too. He corrects me too, like you said, he knows us, but he also knows that we need the truth of the Father. We need his truth in our hearts. And so he, he allows us to come to him and bring and lay out, lay out our cries, our, our greatest fears, our anxieties, our concerns, our worries. The hidden areas of our heart to him and he's okay with that. He wants that. He invites that, right? Because if not, what do we do with that? What do we do with it? Let's just carry it on relationship after relationship, people after people wounding others because we haven't had that time with God to say, God, I need your help here. Right? Yeah. And so I love that you say that because honesty, the honest cries of a broken heart is what God invites us to share with him because he's the only one. Who can heal us. He's the only one who can meet us there, understand us, love us, and walk us through it.

Lucia: 40:19

Yeah. Right? Yeah, definitely, definitely. And that's what really helped me in my life, in my healing journey, while I was in California. Um, I remember, like, Wanting to decorate my apartment, and I love positive quotes, um, I'm a very forgetful person, like, any of my family could be able to see that, and that's why I like having like quotes, positive things on my wall to remind me on a daily basis. Um, like, what I'm living through. For what my eyes, you know, sometimes you wake up on the wrong side of the bed So I like to have those things and I remember buying a Hobby Lobby. I love Hobby Lobby I remember writing buying a sticker scripture And it was Esther 414 and ever since then like every year I take like inventory and I'm like God like what is it? That you're doing in my life. What is it that you want me to learn, be aware of, right? And usually there's always like a scripture that like speaks to me, right, in those moments. And um, since 2020, um, yeah, 2021, um, it took two years for the scripture to really dig deep in me. But ever since 2020, I've been like... And having a scripture, you know, to help me remind myself, like, God, this is what you're doing in this season of my life, right? Yeah. Remind me, and then I'll have words, like, associated, um, or a word, a word or words associated with that. That also will help me, like, quicken me of being like, hey Lucia, like, come back to that, you know? Yeah. So. And when you were praying, it was Esther 414, the first scripture. And, you know, and specifically, I have it down, it says, um, For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows, but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this. And I remember for 2020 and 2021, because all of 2019, 2020, I was just fighting God, you know, and for us at 414, it just started clicking, you know, being like. Either, Lucia, you heal, you heal, right, and this is the perfect time, you're away from your family, you're away from, like, what you know, like, why not now? You know? Or... You could keep on going, and God will find other moments. Just like God will find other people to rise up and speak about this injustice, right? God will find another moment to do this, you know? Do you want to continue in the heartbreak? Do you want to continue in the cycle? Do you want to continue in the crying and stuffing? Or, do you want to take this opportunity to just step up and do it, you know? So I remember, like... When, you know, when I get those moments of being like, No, God, this is too hard. No, God, like, I just want to go back to my comfort. I remember being like, in California, just like, I just want to go back to what I know, God. Yeah, yeah. I, can I go back there? Yeah. You know, and I would always be like, Back to that scripture, Esther 4, 14, For such a time as this. What better time than now to be able to do that.

Ann: 43:58

I love how you related your healing to that verse, for such a time as this. Now is the time to heal, now.

Lucia: 44:07

Right? Yeah. So, then when God, like, okay, God, like, Okay, I'm doing it. I'm surrendering to you. Okay, like now what do you want to do? So he connected me to a really great church in San Jose. Shout out to VOSJ. The people there are so amazing. I met some really great people there that just like took me in and although it was weird and very different from the culture that they had and everything, um, they They accepted me, you know, and I learned how to embrace difference too, so I think it was a learning experience in both parts, right? I remember, starting to work with the mentor there, and she was like, what do you want to work on, you know? And I'm like, I don't know, like, I just want, you know, God to like, work on things with me. She's like, the first thing, like, do you trust him? Do you trust him enough to work on things and for you to start peeling back the layers and laying it before your feet? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I think so. I think so. I like, you know, I trust him to get out here and like, you know, but it was one of those things that I would trust him, but then I would get back in control, you know, trust him for a certain period and be like, oh my God, like. I come back to my comfort zone, and,, she really helped me like anytime I would think about it, the Proverbs 3, 5, 6, and specifically it says, um, Proverbs 3, 5, 6, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways, submit to him and he will make your path straight. And when I actually thought about that, you know, and God would give me moments to be like, Do you trust me? Do you trust me? Do you trust me here? Do you trust me there? And then that verse would come to my mind, you know, and I'm like, Am I leaning on my own understanding of the situation and I'm acting out of comfort? Or am I really surrendering it to God? And just being like, God, I really need to work on this. Yeah. Like, I trust you, that you know how to. One, unveil it, making me aware of it, and then also taking the time to help me heal. If it, if it meant like, hey, this is past trauma and you're taking it to a new situation, like, heal from that. Like, forgive your father, forgive your mother for not knowing better. Forgive the people that have done things in your childhood and college. Forgive yourself. For making bad decisions, like, that was the biggest thing, I feel like forgiving everybody else was easy, but forgiving myself was hard, you know, because I had so much judgment about myself, I had so many negative things to say about myself, you know, I always joke around that, like, bullying really didn't affect me because I could say worse things to myself than anyone could ever, you know, and that forgiving myself was like, The hardest part, you know, we're making certain decisions and all that stuff, right? but really when I started thinking about that and God started showing me the areas that I didn't trust him And reminding me about that scripture of being like do you trust me in these moments? Right and like also being patient with me in trusting him, right? You know, because he didn't do it all at once. Yeah, it's like do you trust me in your finances? Okay, I'm gonna show you that you don't. Mm hmm. Oh, yeah Now do you trust me in your dreams and where you want in your career, you know, and do you trust me? Do you know, your relationships, right? Yeah. Do you trust me in your friendships? Do you trust me in your dating? Do you trust me in your world views? You know, all of these things. Like God was showing me. And I really had to think about like the level of trust that I had and really be and also trusting like and healing me in that. And I really had to be real with myself. Yeah. You know, I really had to be real with myself and be like, okay, do you fake trust him? Do you actually trust him? That's good. You know, and God show me where I don't trust you and he definitely will reveal to you the areas that you don't trust him, and now I feel like I'm in Romans 12 too. That's the verse this year, about in renewing, you know, specifically, I have it specifically, it says, do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is, his good and Pleasing and perfect will. And I feel like now that like God's had some breakthroughs, like help me identify, you know, the healing process and everything. And I still feel like I'm on it, you know, of course, absent flows to it and everything. But this verse specifically helped me to renew my mind to be like, Lucia, the old, comfortable life that you wanted, that you thought was so perfect, you're not going back to it. You're not going back to it. You need to renew your mind. You're a new person, you know, and like you, you're not hung up on the same things that you've hung, been hung up on before. You don't process the same things that you've processed before, you know, like. You know, heal and grieve in the same way that you've done before, like you are a new person and like God wants to work in you and show you, right, this new person that you are and how to navigate that. It's just so helpful, because although I was like, man, this is the time, this is the time, this is the time, and I trust God in that healing process, right? I still feel like I was holding on to the comfort, I have comfort in certain things, and then being like, no, I have to break out from that mentality completely. The things I was hung up on before, the things I couldn't share before. Like, I'm renewed and like those things don't have a stronghold in my life anymore. As long as I don't want it to, like, have a stronghold in my life. So, I've been really trying to lean into that. Scripture. Yeah. And anytime that I wanna revert to old ways or you know, be like, no, God, I wanna go back to my comfort. I'm like, no, I, no, I'm renewed. Yeah. I am a new person. Yeah. I want God's will and his will is so good. Yeah. He's so perfect. He's shown me time and time again. Mm-hmm. And, I can trust on that more than my comfort. Yeah. I keep, like, a log of, like, all the times that God's come through for me. There's a book called One in a Million that Priscilla Shire says that. She's like, you know, a lot of times we're forgetful. I'm forgetful. That's why I have the scriptures, you know, to remind me, like, hey, you... You can do this. This is possible. She was like, you know, I keep. A log of all the times that God's come through, that God's been merciful, that God's been, like, working in my life, that I prayed for something, and when I'm in low moments, when I'm in my valleys, I go back to that, page, it keeps it as a note, you know, I keep it in a journal, but I go back to that, you know, I'll have a day where I just, like, will go through That note or that journal and just be like, I remember when I was like, God, this is impossible. Yeah. Like, God, I would never get over this. Yeah. God, I can never heal from this. And you came through. You came through more than I could ever imagine. Yeah. And not only is I healed and stuff like that, god, helps you thrive in that, like, and uses that. There's been moments where I've either, counseled a young woman or been in a small group and they share experiences that I've experienced, right? And I'm like, God, like I could be able to share that. Like there's light at the end of the tunnel. There's light at the end of the tunnel and I had to go through healing and confront some things and everything like that, but there's light. gave me that opportunity. You helped healed me for this moment. Like you didn't like let that experience go in vain, you know, and I'm just so appreciative of that. Like, God would give me that opportunity to do that, that he would heal me to help someone else. And I'm just like, God, like, sometimes you think, why me? Why this, you know, but it's literally for those moments to be able to help you. Share it with other people because I'm really passionate about youth development, the city Chicago is hard. It's hard for young people growing up in the city. But there are people That are positive role models that are doing good things in the community, you know I need to show the other young people that like it's not about like living for money or Fame or the status right? it's about like doing good for other people and being a positive role model for your community to show that like You could grow up in any part of the city, right, and still do really good things for God to choose and see me and say, hey, I want to help you heal so that I know you want to work with youth, right? You can be able to share with them that there is light at the tunnel. The things that they're going through and the experiences that they have, right, are not for vain. You know, that he's going to use those experiences to be able to raise the next generation or,, stop some cycles. Prevent some cycles from happening. Now I'm just like, wow, I'm a lot more grateful for those experiences, yeah, and having done the hard work to help me start the, healing journey. The first step in healing is accepting and identifying that there's a problem.

Ann: 55:12

Yeah, we live in a society now that, um, there's a lot of hurting people. There's a lot of hurting people, one of which can identify, and the other which can't. Yeah. Which can't identify, which is why there is a high drug use, there's a high addiction use. There's just so much going on with our younger generation, right? Back in my day, I was comfortable in my own pain, in my heart. I was comfortable with stuffing and hiding and doing all that, everything you mentioned. I was comfortable with doing that until I knew that. Not only could I be freed from it, but that God can use it

Lucia: 56:09

to grow

Ann: 56:09

me, to change me, to make me more compassionate toward others, to make me empathetic to the hurts of others, to make me understand others while they're going through their pain. Yeah. Right? To be able to listen to others and really slow down and take the time to connect with them right where they're at, he's taught me a lot through, my pain and healing, and I believe that if we stop, like you said, and take a moment to. Let God do what he needs to do in us. He can use it for our good and for the good of others. I'm not saying nobody invites pain. Nobody invites suffering. Nobody invites trauma. None of us want that. I don't want. I didn't want that. I didn't want other people to go through that. It's heartbreaking. It's devastating, but we know we have a God who redeems us. And he uses our suffering, right? He uses it for good. It's not wasted, right? He uses it. What it does is in our suffering, we become a lot like Christ who suffered, who came to this earth and suffered. And so God doesn't waste anything that we go through. And like you said, he's patient with us. Because I was so comfortable and I was scared.

Lucia: 57:48

You

Ann: 57:48

said it, I was scared. What's going to happen when I come undone?

Lucia: 57:56

What's gonna happen

Ann: 57:58

when I become undone, that everything I thought I was,

Lucia: 58:07

the

Ann: 58:08

truth is gonna come

Lucia: 58:09

out, Lord. And

Ann: 58:11

that's painful and that's scary. And I don't know what to expect, but it's when we do so. That he meets us right there, and we are able to just give it to him, confess it, talk about it, cry about it, give it to him, and that's where he begins to minister to our hearts in ways that, like, God, only you. Only you who created this heart can better understand it. Only you,

Lucia: 58:50

God. Right. Definitely. And I don't know what, I was so scared of being, of getting undone. Cause I think about, now that I like, reflect about it, I'm like, nothing horrible happened. Yeah. Like, I didn't die. Yeah. If anything, I like, died to my old self. Yes.

Ann: 59:12

Yes.

Lucia: 59:13

And I'm so much better. Yes. So much better. Yes. Because I was like, let go of that fear of being like, what, I don't know what's gonna come out. Yeah. You know, cause part, sometimes like part of like, you know

Ann: 59:32

human. Yeah. Human's gonna come out. Yeah. The flawed person is gonna come out, right? Yeah. And that's okay. Like, God knows we're flawed. God knows that we fall short and we miss the mark. That's why he sent Jesus. But the grace of God. But the

Lucia: 59:50

grace of God. Right?

Ann: 59:52

It's only by the grace of God. And so becoming undone is saying, God, your grace is more than enough. It covers every sinful, scary, ugly part of me. So no more hiding, God. Here it is. Here it is. I'm putting it at your fca. I'm giving it to you. Yeah, you already know it. You already see it. Now I'm just gonna give it to you.

Lucia: 1:00:18

God. And there's something about confessing it too. Yeah. Like I'm so glad that you said it. You know, like, yes. Ka sees it like he knows. He like, okay, the elephant that you're putting under the rug, I see it. I see it. Right. And it's like that. Like, but I want you to confess it, you know, and like for me when I went to therapy, like it was so evident that there was experiences in my childhood and my early young adulthood that scarred me, that I was stuffing and it was coming out in different ways, you know, and like. God was just like, confess it, and when I started talking about these experiences to my therapy, like, at first it was so hard, like I said, I would like, talk about an experience and then sob the rest of the 45 minutes, I literally couldn't get a word out, and like, As I started going to therapy more and more. I went for about a year. Um, yeah, it was about a year. And as I kept on like sharing it, right, I was like, okay, I could get two stories out before I sob. And then I could go back to that story and like make it through two more stories, you know, I, and as I'm like confessing it, I'm like finding healing as well of being like. This is not as yes, it's horrible, but it's not as horrible. Yeah, you know or like hey I am saying this and like, um like there's other people that You know because what really triggered it was my relationship and during that time the me too movement, you know Speaking about their experiences, you know, and like, you know, in that, that both of those moments, it was like, there's no more hiding. Like, I felt like I couldn't hide anymore. It was on TV. People were talking about it everywhere, whereas I feel like a lot of the times, sexual abuse and stuff like that was like hidden, like not talked about, so I think, once you start bringing it out to the light, right, people start talking about it and then as I'm going to therapy and talking about my experiences, I was finding healing in that, that I can be able to Say it, and confess it, and that helped me to be able to bring it to God, you know? And like, you know, just be like, I'm so scared of what the after is, you know? Because I'm so comfortable, and I know only to operate in this space, and with this hurt, and stuffing things, you know? The actor, the healing or the process, like I don't know what that looks like and I don't know if I can handle it. Right. And I'm so glad because I can't, I can't handle it, but God does show me like that. He's going to walk me through it so that I can be able to have the strength to be able to see and like the unraveling of it and stuff like that. So I'm like, you know, it is true. Like I can't handle it, but with God and God on my side and God has like the victory already, I could weather any storm. I could be able to. You know heal from anything I can be able to reveal Anything knowing that like God is still gonna meet me there and still died Send his son. He's one and only son to die for someone like me, you know, I think that's just so Like and he still loves guys. Yeah,

Ann: 1:03:59

he still loves you like Lord. You still love me He died Jesus died while we were yet sinners He sees it. He knows it. Right? He just wants us to give it to him. He wants us to come to a place where we are open and honest with him. Right? Where we can confess, where we can share our deepest hurts with him. I've been asked before, like, why do people have to go to their past? Why do people have to go there? Um, when we're new creations and one of the things that I, you know, that I have to share based from my journey is that if you're living in Christ now, but you're bleeding on people, you're spewing on people, you're leaking on people. You need to find out why, why? And a lot of it. Is rooted in our past, our childhood trauma, our childhood hurts, and our pains. And so we have to go back there. It's either sin inflicted on us by others or sin that we've, that we've committed in our, in our walk, in our life, you know, so it's either sin inflicted on us through the, through the actions and hurts of others, the abuse of others, or our own decisions and choices that have impacted us and in these things affect us.

Lucia: 1:05:37

Yeah. So

Ann: 1:05:38

even though. We're a new creation in Christ, right? You talked about the renewing of the mind. That happens when we're able to come honestly before God

Lucia: 1:05:50

and share

Ann: 1:05:52

what is going on in our heart. How we've been affected by. The hurts and the abuse, the sins of others and, and our own in our life, right? And so then when we're able to bring it before him in our, you know, currently able to say, God, I, I invite you here. I need healing. I need help here. God, I can't continue to keep going with this and, and just stuffing it or pretending like it didn't happen. Yes. Hiding. from it. God, but I want to give it to you. I want to, I want to lay it out before you so that it's in the open now. No more hiding. I give it to you, God. And I, and I leave it there with you. Help me to heal here. Help me to grow from this. What is there to learn in this God from you? What are you teaching me in this God? And that's where he begins to really just show us. Reveal to us, heal us, and use it for His glory, right? Not to shame us, not to condemn us, but in that moment to truly feel and know the love and presence of God, that He's there, He understands, right? He's so good.

Lucia: 1:07:22

He's so good to us. Yeah, He is. Yeah, He is.

Ann: 1:07:28

He's been so good. Lucy, I want to thank you for, Being a guest on this podcast and for sharing your story and your healing journey with me and all the listeners that will be tuning in, what words of encouragement would you have for a young woman who is maybe in that scared part of her journey

Lucia: 1:07:50

where

Ann: 1:07:51

She's scared of healing because she's scared of what, what's gonna come from under that.

Lucia: 1:07:59

I would say, just start it. Just, just start it. There is no better time than now. Esther 4. 14, if you need a scripture to, Stand on right to start it. embrace it. Be patient with yourself. Like, be super patient with yourself. And don't condemn yourself or don't like judge yourself or criticize yourself about where you could have should have been, embrace the moment that is right now because it's been so many years of you building that up that you can't think that it's going to be Untangled just in an instant or in a moment, you know? Mm-hmm. Like, be patient, be patient with what that looks like, you know? And the second one is that I really learned and um, really helped me is that like I'm worthy of that healing. Yeah. You know, and I'm worthy of, that love that comes in there. When, you start seeing the fruits of the labor that you've put in, like, I'm not gonna front. It was really, really hard. It was really hard to come to that decision, but I remember at so many times in my therapy, I, I would literally tell her, like, I'm just so scared of what's going to come out. Right. And now that I look back, I'm like, I I don't know what I was scared of, like I don't, I literally don't know what I was scared of because like God met me at every moment of the way and the things I was fearful about that I'm gonna be like a whole different person or I'm gonna cry uncontrollably that can't even like you know sustain myself or I'm gonna like be so depressed I'm gonna be job or something like that. I don't know. I had all of these worst case scenarios that none of that happened. And even if it would have happened, God would have been able to do something really powerful in my life. And if anything, like, I was just scared that To have a better life that really was it that I was scared of, you know, so like, just, just, you know, you're worthy, you're worthy of that love and of the unraveling because like, it's just fear and the devil talking to you because you're literally going to have a better life because of

Ann: 1:10:23

it. Thank you so much. It's really been an honor to have you as a guest and to have you just share the truth of what your healing journey has looked like. I pray that it helps the listeners that have been tuning in. I just pray if you're listening to this podcast right now and you're having second thoughts, or you're just doubting, your own healing journey, just know, like Lucia said, God is patient with you and it's okay to be patient with yourself. It's okay to seek help. It's okay to, trust that God has his best interest for you, that you matter. You matter, even in your hurt right now, even in your test and your trial, you matter to God. I just want to encourage you to seek that help that you need. And just know that you are not alone. You are not alone. I just want to thank you all for... Tuning in to this episode of Her Scars Tell a Story.