"When I Couldn't See the Self Righteousness in Me" with Marybel

Meet my guest Marybel.
 Marybel Rodriguez, was born and raised in Chicago. She grew up in Englewood/Back of the Yards neighborhood.  She is a daughter and sibling to seven wonderful beings, she absolutely loves them all! Jesus is her motivation. She loves Him and He loves her. She has  the honor of taking care of her loved ones and those whom God entrusts to her. Every season looks different yet she's always learning from The Holy Spirit in the way in which He guides her in it.  She is excited for the new endeavors that the Lord is preparing her for as well as the new things He is doing through her. She currently serves her church in the Usher and Front desk ministry. In addition to the ministries, she is also serving as a deacon and is being trained to serve at a greater capacity. God is continually working in her life, and she absolutely loves it.  She would not want it any other way.

Marybel, gets raw and honest as she shares about her struggle with self-righteousness and how God revealed this to her and how He helped her overcome this struggle through humility. She talks about how she viewed others and herself. 
Religion had her thinking she was "good" compared to others and she wasn't too bad.
Her relationship with Jesus changed once she realized what His grace was really all about.

I pray that many will be encouraged and set free through her testimony.

Transcript

Ann: 0:08

Hey there friends, my name is Ann Calvillo and welcome to Her Scars Tell a Story podcast, a safe space for women from all different walks of life and different backgrounds coming together to share their stories of God's redeeming love. So grab your cup of coffee and journey with us now.

0:36

Hey

Ann: 0:36

there, friends. Welcome to Her Scars Tell a Story podcast. I'm your host, Ann Calvillo. I want to welcome to this podcast Maribel, a sweet woman that I met. at a retreat. I was moved and touched, by the little bit that I got to know about her. And I'm really excited for her to share

Marybel: 0:56

her story with us today. Welcome, Mirabelle. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so honored to be here.

Ann: 1:04

And likewise, I'm honored to have you as a guest. We're going to get started just by you sharing a little bit about yourself and then going into your story.

Marybel: 1:15

Okay. Well, I'm Maribel Rodriguez and the one thing that I just love is to serve God at any capacity. You know, it's the little things count and we all have, are striving to do our best. wherever he has us in our process. So I just, I'm just happy to serve the Lord.

Ann: 1:39

Yeah. And that's wonderful. Um, can you tell us a little bit about what that looks like in your life right now? It looks

Marybel: 1:45

in many ways. It looks like I serve the church, you know, in different ministries. I serve my mother, my family, you know, I'm a caregiver. I served my mom in that way, um, and I used to, uh, I come from a back, a professional background so it was a big drastic change from like being an auditor to a caregiver. Wow. Yeah. So it was drastic but at the same time I knew God was calling me to do it.

Ann: 2:19

Yeah. And, um, that takes stepping out in obedience, right, especially such a drastic move like that. Yeah. It's,

Marybel: 2:27

it's. It's a very big dress is, it's financially drastic. It's, um, personally, um, when you have wounds that you have not addressed, especially with mom, it's very like difficult to say yes. And there's just so many ways that it is difficult, but looking past that, I can see why the Lord wanted me to do it.

Ann: 2:57

I think it's really important. You said it was difficult. It was, I'm sure it was challenging at times. Um, but it's in those difficult, challenging times that God gives us more grace. Don't you think?

Marybel: 3:12

Yes. And he also shows up. Yeah. In big ways. Not small ways. Big ways. Mmm. Yeah. Because I didn't know how I was going to pay my car. You know? Yeah. But he showed up. Yeah, in a big way. And I was like blown away.

Ann: 3:32

You know, stepping out in faith is really trusting God. It's really saying, Lord, I don't know, right? I don't know what this is going to look like. I don't know how my needs are going to be met. I knew before because I had the security of a job. But now I don't know, but I'm being obedient. And I'm stepping out in faith, trusting that you're going to meet my needs.

Marybel: 4:01

Yes, and there's so much there, you know. Uh, to, like if we start, every day there's a blessing. Every day there's a blessing, but there's also a lesson. Yes, ooh, I like that. Mm hmm. And, The Lord uses everything. He uses every opportunity, everything that may look like it's not right. You know? Just anything. You know, every feeling, every thought. He turns it around and says, No. Let's get it right. You know? And He gently turns your heart. He turns your vision. He turns everything. You know, and he, he does mold us, you know,

Ann: 4:43

yeah, yeah. And in the molding, it's, you know, it can be at times painful, right? Because that involves us getting out of our, out of the way and letting God be God and do what he does best, right? It can mean surrendering, you know, not my will God, but your will be done, whatever that looks like, really trusting his will. Um, and in circumstances when, like you said, you know, um, it's, you know, going into it, it's challenging because of relationship hurts, because of healing that needs to be, take place, right? Both in me and in the people around me, um, but even then trusting God with my own heart. Right? And that's

Marybel: 5:32

key. Trusting God with your own heart. And when you come from a place that I've come from, Ooh. You know? And maybe to some people, the story behind that is not as awful, but because of who I am and who God has made me to be, it felt that way.

Ann: 5:55

You know? Yeah. Yeah. So, now that you're giving us little bits of your story, I'm looking forward to hearing, you know, where God has brought you from and what God is doing in your life. We all have a story and I believe that God provides opportunities for us to share our stories for His glory so that people can see that God can use. Someone, a sinner, right, who's been broken, who's been wounded, who's been hurt, but can overcome with the help of Jesus Christ. Yeah. So go ahead and tell us your story.

Marybel: 6:48

So I prayed because it has so many stories, and there's so many stories to tell, I've been healed by, from my heartbreak, from just so many things, like any kind of ailment you could think of, I've been healed miraculously, or through, you know, doctors, but I know that he positioned me to get to that healing place, you know? And I have seen that, like, I could tell you thousands of stories of just healing, but I, I really felt like the Lord wanted me to share what he really brought me out of. And I believe that, you know, sometimes when you think you're a good person, it's really hard to see who you really are. And I was that person. I grew up in the Catholic Church, but I grew up like really loving the things of God. You know? Yeah. Like we heard, we still heard the gospel in the Catholic Church. We still heard of God, you know? So it's like, I was so drawn to all of things of God, you know? I was so drawn to it, like from very little. And I did all the activities, all the retreats. I did everything I was told, you know, you followed all the rules, you know, and I really thought that I deserve something. And that mentality really brought me to a spiral down mess, and I really felt like the Lord was asking me to share that story because it was very difficult for me to see spiritually. All the things that, um, people would try to tell me, I would be like, uh, nah, I don't want to hear it. Look at you. And I really felt like I was better than them. Because I didn't do drugs. Because I wasn't, game banging and I wasn't doing other things that the people around me were doing. And I'm like, no, I'm going to do better. No, I'm gonna be better. Um, and I was, holistically, right? Like, in the sense of, like, in the world. Yeah. I was doing better, but it was actually empty inside. And that emptiness really brought me to the end of me. And I felt death around me all the time. I felt like death was probably even better. You know to be in this world. That's the kind of hurt that I was carrying around inside But really I was just mad at God. I Wouldn't say it. I wouldn't admit it. I Would even pretend that I wasn't because I would go to church. I was still trying to do so many things Check the boxes, of like just Trying to be a good person But that's all it was I was trying God wasn't working, like, I wouldn't allow him into that place, you know. He wanted to. I remember moments of him always being there, his presence, but me not really being open to it because I was blind, and one of the things that did open my heart to the Lord. It was a sickness and that was fibromyalgia. I had it. I had pain from head to toe. It was ridiculous kind of pain. I couldn't work. I couldn't do anything. I was literally losing everything. I lost my job. I was living on my own at the time. I couldn't even live on my own anymore. I couldn't get out of bed. I mean, it was horrible. And the whole time I was still mad at God. And the whole time, I still thought I was a believer. I'm like, I know God. I know God. I know He can do it. But the difference between then and now was, I saw God as a distant God. The one that was up there. Yeah. You know, the one that was looking down at me. Mmm. The one that was judging me. Yeah. And everything that I thought, everything that I did, you know, and I was like, I did everything I thought I could do perfectly, you know, I was saving myself for marriage. I was doing all this stuff that I thought was good. Yeah. But the word tells us that all of us come short from the glory of God. Yeah. Each and every one of us. Yeah. And. That didn't sink into my heart. I was just like, oh yeah, you know, I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty good. I didn't kill nobody. I didn't stab nobody. I didn't. Yeah. I didn't fight nobody. I try to be friends with everyone. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And you just really think you're good. That you're good and that's good enough, you know, and so I was praying for a husband at the time. This is before I got sick. for some reason, I, I just was not, finding that match, right? And I would begin to believe the lies of the enemy. I can say that now, but in the moment, I thought they were, they weren't lies. I thought it was the truth. And so I began to kill my worth. And the reason that I say that is because I knew I was worth something, you know? Yeah. Like in the sense I felt like worthy. Mm hmm. But because the enemy knew how to hit me, I began to accept the lies that I was hearing, either from the enemy himself, just putting things in my mind like, see that person doesn't really like you. Yeah. Or whatever, you know, or just people's actions like, Oh, they didn't call me, they didn't this. And I would just take it as they didn't like me, there's something wrong with me. And I begin to really believe that lie. And when that happened in my life, it started a journey of darkness. And I was truly convincing me. Myself, because of all these arrows, and I didn't even know how to begin to know that there were lies. it began this road of complete darkness, not thinking that I was worth nothing. Because if nobody can see it, then it must be true. And that cloud was hanging over me. So long. So I gave myself to my work. I gave myself. So I became like a beggar, right? Like a beggar. Yeah, I'm begging for attention now. I'm begging, like whoever I wouldn't date before, now I'm dating, you know? Now I'm dating the ones that I did. I would say no, they're, they don't this or they don't, you know, like Just people that I thought were bad, you know, like they were in a, a tagger on the street or, you know, people that were taking drugs, you know, I would just be like, they showing interest. At least they like me, you know, like at least. It was always in my mouth. At least they want to spend time with me. At least they want to talk to me. At least, you know, it was like the minimum. Yeah, the bare minimum. Yeah. I was like, but it was like, I was desperate. I was desperate for love. Yeah. I was desperate for love. Hmm. And I didn't know that the love that I was looking for was him. And I was so desperate for it. And I threw myself in everything just to be shining somehow. You know, I wanted to be, do the best at work. I wanted to be the best friend. I wanted to be the best at everything, you know? Because I was desperate. I was desperate to be wanted, to be just cared for, you know? And what happened is that there was a friendship I had. And that friendship really marked that darkness. Because it was representing rejection in my life. And I couldn't deal with that anymore. and I kept on lying to myself. Well, if he just, you know, graduate, he's gonna want me. If he just, you know, get, finalize his career, then he'll want me. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And it was just always something, I'm excusing people for not doing this, not doing that, for not getting the things that I was looking for, which was love, understanding, someone to care, you know? And I found myself like in this real dark season and it went on for years. It went on for years and there's all kinds of brokenness. It's not just relationship, you know, a whole bunch of things happen to me physically, ailments and things like that. And I was just like living, not wanting to live. I never really voiced that until it kind of was too late. Because, and what I mean too late, I was already sick. I was already. What they were called disabled and I felt at that point, you know, the darkness was hitting me so deeply. That at that point I felt like I won't kill myself because I'm, how would they say, I couldn't think of like what to do. Okay. You know, but I also had a fear of doing it. Right. So, but I wanted to die really badly. I wanted to just end it because I knew I didn't want this life, you know, I didn't want to be in that spot of like darkness. And they went on so long, I felt like it wouldn't change. But in my process, praise God, you know, I found myself, pleading and saying, if you're real. Because at this point, I'm like, where are you? Yeah. You know, who are you? Like, I know you're God Almighty that sees everything. I don't want to be here. So take me out. And I was just like, you know, I grew up just being straight up, you know, from the streets. Yeah. You know? And I was just like, I grew up in Englewood, I grew up seeing a lot of things, And being part of a lot of things. Hmm. And that's my past and I don't always discuss everything that I was involved or what have you. Yeah. But when you have a mindset of poverty, yeah. You continue it on until you recognize who you are until God shows you who you are. I didn't know. I knew that God loved me, and I only knew that because when I was seven, I was being molested, and I cried out to God. And in that moment, in my bed, when I cried out to God, He came. He embraced me. I felt him and that child knew that he was real, but somehow in all the mess and life and everything, it seemed like I forgot, that he was, because then I was seeing him as a distant God, as the one that looks at everything that you do and is not pleased because he's holy and you're making all these mistakes, all these errors, all these sins. I began to just view him as the world views him, far away, mighty, and he can do all these works. People believe in God, but they don't know God, you know, and I was there and I was so blind because, and I was now mad, I had so much rejection, insecurities, you know. And women in general, we know how that all feels, rejection, witchcraft. We deal with all of it. Why? Because witchcraft has many forms. And one of them is word cursing. And when we gossip of each other, when we downplay each other, that's witchcraft, And I'm learning that now, recognizing that there's power in our words. Yeah. There's power in the tongue. That's what the word said. That's the word of God. Yeah. And I didn't, we tear each other down so badly. even our families because we are ignorant. Yeah. And abandonment. We have so many wounds. So many scars. And we don't even know what to do. That there is a God that can mend each and every one of them. We think it's just too much, you know? But God is so good. Yes, He is. He is so good because I am living testimony. That every single womb is taken care of, every single one. It doesn't matter how small, it doesn't matter even how big, it doesn't matter how deep, it doesn't even matter. Yeah. He can attend to each one. Yes. And that's, in a nutshell, what I have lived with God. He would begin to, He began to tear down my idolatry. He began to break down self righteousness, unbelief, all of it. Because I didn't think I was an unbeliever. I walked around thinking I knew more of God than everyone around me. Because there were so many Christians that I knew that lived a double life. And I always said, I don't want to be like you. Why am I going to go to a Christian church if you live worse than me? But I was judging them. I was judging them based on the hurt that they would feel. Put on us like me and my family. Yeah, they would always say oh you're gonna go to hell because of this this this in all the boxes checked, right? Yeah, you come from a divorced family because of this that are the other you know They always said something about us going to hell because we were not in the right church or in the right religion. Yeah, I recognize that It's not the church you belong to necessarily. It's the relationship the handing over of your life. Because oftentimes we say just open your heart to Christ. That's part of it. But when you're fully saying yes to the Lord and the gift of what he did at the cross for your sin. You're saying, I give you my life, take it and do what you will with it. That is what you're saying when you say yes, yes, I want you to be my savior. I need, I need that gift. Yes, wash me clean, it's like you're handing over your life because you recognize. That you are falling short and that he, his plans are always better. And everywhere in the Bible, you will see his goodness and his heart for you. And I always felt like, well, yeah, he loves the world, but little did I know, no, he loves Maribel. He loves you. Yeah. He loves you. And he knows every little bit about you. And I love that I know that. On a personal basis. Yeah. Because now I think like, I just, I feel, I feel in love, you know? I feel like that he is all that I need. He does film me, I couldn't say that to you, a decade ago. I couldn't. Why? Because I came from all that brokenness. Yeah. And from being really blind to what I was doing. Yeah. Hmm. You know, being self righteous and having thoughts and judging others because it was really out of her,? When he healed me, I was three years in of disablement. I couldn't work, couldn't, I could walk, but very minimal. It was not a pretty picture. You couldn't touch me, because when you did, I would feel like a razor was cutting me. The amount of pain that I was feeling was unbelievable. And even when I think about it now, I think, how did I endure? Because there's so many in that community that are living with that. Feel like they want out. Yeah. I unfortunately had a very bad case of it. Even the doctors would say, I don't know what's going on. I had like all the symptoms plus ten more. And they couldn't figure out. You know, they couldn't figure me out. Did this

Ann: 25:23

diagnosis come out of nowhere? No,

Marybel: 25:26

But I always felt, in the beginning, in the way beginning, when I was already showing signs, I felt, I would always blame like, um, oh I'm doing, I'm working too many hours. Okay. Um, Oh, it's because I did this. You know, I always give it an excuse because I was, the biggest symptom that was, it was extreme exhaustion. Hmm. Okay. Like you, there was days where I would be at work and I didn't know how to get up because that's the level of exhaustion that, so physically I could probably get up. But because I was so tired and feeling all of that exhaustion. I couldn't get up. Okay, so it's not like something was wrong with my legs But because that exhaustion kicked in yeah, it was set on my legs so heavy Okay, I couldn't and I would just sit there and cry and back then, I was leader in the group And I would always stay behind to work on everything, you know, because I had to do my department manager's part because they were, they were overseas or what have you. And I had to do all the presentations because I was the leader of the group. Okay. So at that time I really blamed my job for it. But really, looking back, it was already, like, you would say the cup was already full. It was just. This was knocking it out of the park. You know? Yeah. So there was already a lot of, when I say bitterness, pain, bitterness, just all kinds of things. I just, I think about that cup and all the things that it was filled with. Hmm. Derailment of my life because I was so lost with even dreams that I had for myself, you know. Yeah. There were just all kinds of things going on and chaos, And all of that was just filling my cup. Every disappointment, every hurt, was against me. It was just filling it up. And it's just those little things, you know. That's why I'm saying like there's some people that might hear the story and say, well, that's not so bad, right? But for me, it was everything. Yeah. To me, like someone, not having someone to love me was a disaster. It was like, ah, you know? Yeah. In the moment, I felt like it was the end of the world. Yeah. You know? And you know, I'm not trying to, there's no equal, it's like every person feels different. Every person hears different, you know, every person feels different, everything, our senses are different, and now I understand myself better and I'm able to understand why things hurted me so bad. Yeah. Because the Lord has made me sensitive, not necessarily to get hurt, but to be used in the kingdom. Yeah. Because now I'm able to understand people, now I'm able to minister to people at those type of capacities. Yeah. You know, and I know, um, I did ministry already with, uh, the youth, with even the little third graders. Uh huh. So I've done ministry with women, young adults and babies. Yeah. And I can see why the Lord has made me the way I am, because I could feel at this level, the baby. When the babies, you know. The toy in this neck, it's still an emotion that they have to process, you know, and now I'm able to say, Oh, I understand the baby. I understand the adult. I understand the youth. You know, why? Because the Lord has given me the heart to be able to serve at that capacity. Bye. It has, it did the damage, you know, to myself when I couldn't understand myself, when I didn't have identity in Christ, I just want to say to whoever's listening get closer to God. There's nothing, He's not far away. He is not a far away God. He is real and all you have to do is understand that He died for your sins. And in exchange, he is saying, Hey, if you give me, you want me to be Lord of your life, I will handle, I will handle the pain. I will handle every circumstance that you encounter, whether it's good or bad, you know, everything, just like a father would be. But he's the perfect father. Because the ones that we have here, they're just like us. We're all imperfect. We all have fallen short. We all made mistakes. And we cannot do better than what we've been given. This helped me with my mom. Understanding her background and her life has made me understand that she couldn't do any better for me. And give me what I really felt I needed because of what she's been given and how she's been handled, and all of these things we were able to accept them when we allow God to come in to those spaces and heal

Ann: 31:23

us. Yeah. That's good Mirabelle. There's so much that you said and I just I just Want to ask you a few questions. I want you to help me to understand a little bit You talked about self righteousness, which is something that I don't think I've ever had any any guest Touch on but it's it's so big. It's so big because Self righteousness is one of those things that, like you mentioned, we're blinded to. That is definitely a blind spot, in our hearts unless God, through His Holy Spirit, reveals it. Or God, through other people who really care about us, He reveals it that way. We have a moment with Him in His Word and we know that's conviction of the Holy Spirit. Taking the blindfolds. Um, but can you help me to process that a little more? what did self righteousness look like and how did the blindfold come off to that? That's

Marybel: 32:33

such a good question. For me, self righteousness was, um, as I said before, it was me thinking. That I was better that everything that I did was gonna be counted, Like, kind of like paying your way to

Ann: 32:52

heaven. Yeah. Like earning your spot.

Marybel: 32:54

It is like that. It's like, we don't mean it that way when we're doing it. I didn't never meant it that way. I never thought, well, I'm going to do this so I can go to heaven, and I didn't think that way. Yeah. But I knew in my subconscious, I was. Why? Why? Because I wanted to. Be good enough to go to heaven, you know, yeah, to be

Ann: 33:22

good enough, you know, the Bible talks about our good deeds being like filthy rags to the Lord, right? No amount of good works, good deeds, um, great performances, right? Because at the end of the day. That's what it, that's what it is. It's a performance, right? Because it's, it's motivated by wanting to earn our way. To heaven, wanting to earn our way, wanting to be good enough for God and for others, right? Works.

Marybel: 33:58

It's an exchange. I'm sorry. Yeah. And even an exchange because in my thinking, you know, I'm You know maybe a little embarrassed to say this, but I thought, well, if I do this for God, then he can do this for me in exchange,

Ann: 34:17

you bargain with God, you find yourself bargaining with God, right? If, if I do, if I do this, Lord, you're going to have to do this, right? And that's really motivated. More out of fear versus motivated from a place of love. Right? And there's a big difference in that fear of going to hell, fear of the consequences of me not being good enough, right? Versus like you said, once you finally knew the truth. That the only good in me is God, the only good in me is Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit. That's the only good in me, right? Like, when Jesus was told good teacher and he says, the only good in me is, is my father. Like, that's the only good in him. Right. And imagine if Jesus Christ,

Marybel: 35:15

Son of God, but you need to believe it. Yeah. You need to believe it. And a lot of us look at the Bible like a story of far, a fairy tale almost. Yeah. Like, Oh, God didn't write this, even though the word of God says that he breathed it. Yeah. So, when you don't really know these things, you can easily be deceived that this is not the word of God. Paul wrote it. Those are his words. No. And there's so many things in the, in the word of God that, that confirm that. But it's just, we see him as a fairy tale. Yes. Yes. And then when we're in that tight, tight spot, you're sweating bullets because you're like, Oh, okay. Well, Lord, you know, then you're crying out to him and now you're like, okay, if you're going to show her. Yeah,

Ann: 36:20

because he becomes like your last resort instead of your first resort, right? Like, Lord, I'm going to come to you in faith, but now I'm desperate. I'm in a place where I know that I definitely can't help myself out of it. I'm so desperate. I need you, God. And he's our last

Marybel: 36:38

resort. Yes. And you know, you hit it on the nail when you said fear, because really what it is, For a person like me that I was in retreat, I was in the word, I was curious, I was drawn to it. I wasn't fighting it like most people do, right? But yet, I saw myself deceived, full of fear, angry. And the fear is that I didn't really believe the word, like I should have, and I didn't trust God, and that equals to fear. Yeah. Of everything else. Mm.

Ann: 37:25

Yeah. It's, instead of having that fear of reverence of God, it's a fear of everything else but God.

Marybel: 37:33

It's a fear. And there's a freedom that comes When you recognize he is real, he does love me, and I can trust him.

Ann: 37:45

Yes. Yes, it's freedom from the bondage of that fear. It's freedom from performing. It's freedom from people pleasing. It's freedom from wanting, to be, accepted, to belong, knowing that I can only find that in Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ alone.

Marybel: 38:10

Yes, exactly.

Ann: 38:13

And

Marybel: 38:15

you can only get there by having a relationship with him, a one on one, a heart to heart. You cannot come to him and tell him, have your sins. You know? Yeah. Half your thoughts. That's right. Half of you. You know? You have to give it all. And He will give it all. He doesn't withhold nothing. That's

Ann: 38:44

right. Nothing. He doesn't withhold anything. We deceive ourselves. We deceive ourselves when we're only telling Him half truths. Because He knows the truth. Already. He knows it already. He just wants us to acknowledge within ourselves. That truth, instead of being and living in self denial. Because we can't heal what we won't acknowledge. God, he can, but if I'm not saying here, Lord, I acknowledge this bitterness. I acknowledge, this deceit in my heart. I've been deceiving myself. Lord, I want to acknowledge the fear. I want to acknowledge, Lord, the, the piousness, this, this thinking that I'm better than others, Lord, this critical spirit, Lord, I acknowledge that and I give it to you, God. Forgive me, Lord. Help me. I repent and I turn away from this, Lord, and I accept your grace. And I accept that I'm not perfect, but in you Lord, I am being transformed. I'm being renewed and I'm being sanctified every day. And it's accepting that that's where the freedom comes. That's where the shackles are broken. Right?

Marybel: 40:05

It is. It is. And it's a beautiful feeling to know that you're not alone. You don't have to figure everything out. Nope. As a matter of fact, you know, I kept on saying before I came, I said, Lord, what is it? And he actually is so funny because he's always revealing things about you, right? Yeah. And your journey. And he says, I can't tell you. 10 days ahead, because I know how you are. And so it's like, in the moment, sometimes I'm like, Why are you just, why can't you just tell me right now? Why can't you just tell me right now? And we just keep on knocking. And then, as I was preparing, he's like, Just trust me. Mmm. Yeah. You know? And I said, Okay. I'm just gonna leave it. You know? And I'm learning, like, even when we give that, Initial trust to say, okay, Lord, I'm gonna hand over my life. That's, that's huge. But even in our process, as he heals those parts of us, and even when things about our character has been deluded and scrambled with, and he's trying to get us back to, hey, I built you for this. And so he's saying, no, no, no. I know you changed because, you know, so and so failed you. And you can't trust people, but I'm telling you, you can because even if their intentions are not well being, I have you, I have you. Why? Because you can forget that person. And now you have to show Christ to that person. Now you show love and you can do it because he has you and because he attends your wounds and he like so many times he's showed me how to do that. And I said, Lord, how can I continue to be in this atmosphere of anger and, you know, it's like they're opening the same wound over and over and they keep stabbing me in the same, you know, spot. And you, you okay with this, that they're doing this to me? And he's like, just forgive them. And I was like, Oh, that's true. I was holding onto her when I could just forgive them. Yeah. So he has to bring me to simple truths and say, you know what? It's not about you. They're speaking out of anger and because of their past, they're hurt. You don't have to take it in. You can forgive them.

Ann: 42:45

The enemy doesn't like when we forgive people. And he fills our minds with lies and we entertain those lies. And so like you said, it felt like the knife that just kept stabbing over and over and over and God saying, Hey, there's another way. There's another way. Forgiveness. Just

Marybel: 43:06

like I forgive you. And that to me was another form of freedom. Yes. Because I was like, Oh, I was here. Crying my eyes out day and night. This hurts. Don't you see how they treat me, this and that. And I'm pouting my way through it. And just one day he's like, just forgive. Mm-hmm. And I was like, oh yeah, Yeah. I was like, why didn't I do that from the get go? But because I chose to concentrate on the truth or the light, the truth that I thought I was seeing, they, they don't like me. They this, they that they, whatever it is. I was concentrating on that versus the truth of God that he's the one handling everything. He's handling their heart. Guess what? He died for them too. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And, and it doesn't matter how ugly they are, but a lot of time, we can be so offended over sometimes nothing. And it's like, Oh, but they talk to me this way every single day, they bully me every single day. It's not right. It's not. No. It's not right that you're in that situation, but you have the freedom to forgive. Yes. Why? Because you've been forgiven. Yeah. And that is biblical. Yeah. That is the word of God. That is the heart of God.

Ann: 44:31

Yeah. Forgive as I have forgiven you. Right? That is his heart. That's what his word tells us. I want to go back to, what you said. It's not right. It doesn't, forgiveness doesn't make what the actions of people, right? It doesn't make it right. But what it does is it liberates us from the weight of that, of that offense and it, and it liberates them too. Right? Because we're holding them captive,

Marybel: 45:05

right? You know the, um, about a year ago, Dolores, um, I was listening to a podcast, actually. And she was talking about forgiveness. Yeah. And she said, if you have someone that's repeatedly offending you or doing something, right, there's a way that you can deal with that. And she said, say out loud, let's just say, Jose or Sandra or whoever their name is. You say, Sandra, I forgive you. And you're like, uh, I didn't feel that. Then say, Sandra, you owe me nothing. It opened my eyes and my heart so wide. I was like, and I tried it. When someone upset me in that week, and I felt real hurt in my heart. I went to my room, and I said their name. And the first time I said that, I didn't feel released. I was like and I kept on saying it. I said it three or four times and on the fourth one I Felt the release it instantly broke that thing off of me like you know that hurt is there no more Because they truly in and I really felt like I was saying hear yourself Every time that I said it I heard myself louder and when on that fourth try Like almost it made me tremble because I said their name and I said, you owe me nothing. And it liberated me in the sense of like, Lord, is that how you feel about us? You know, like you owe me nothing. The blood has been shed. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just, it just brought so much joy. And now I understand. What it means in the word, you know, like it'd be joyful, right? Yeah. And it's like, how can you be joyful when people are hurting you left and right and this and that? Like when I would read the word, sometimes I would be practical, right? And I would reading it like with my feelings instead of like, you know, and putting it all together with my mind and with the spirit of God really guiding me, you know? And I was just like, what do you mean? And I would ask him and ask him, and it's like. As the wounds were healing, I could see what he was saying, what his word, what he was saying, because he was not just saying it to me. He's saying, this is the lifestyle of my children, my offspring, you know,

Ann: 48:03

yeah, that is good. That is so good. And thank you for bringing that up. I think of the apostle Paul and he was filled with self righteousness. He had a zeal for God, and in that zeal, he became blinded to Jesus Christ, thinking that he was doing the right thing for God, persecuting and killing Christians, right? This self righteous man who relied upon the law and keeping it, he said he kept it, you know, in, in. Here's the thing, if God could reveal that to Paul, in the sense that he, the scales came off, right? And God could use Paul. Paul calls himself the worst of sinners in the Bible. And God had a plan and a purpose for Paul's life. Paul became a humble man. Paul became a man who loved and served God until the day of his death. Um, Paul became, you know, just a man. Known, uh, for the wisdom that God had given him in Christ Jesus. He was the man who said, he asked God to take the thorn in his flesh away three times. And God said, no, my grace is sufficient for you. He was the man who wrote most of the letters in the New Testament from a prison cell, a manhole. And he did it praising God and glorifying God. I just think of Paul and his life. And as we talk about the self righteous person, right? The person who, who deals with self righteousness, who struggles with that, that God can liberate you. And even as we're talking about this today, God can set you free from that. It's just acknowledging, as you mentioned Maribel, it's acknowledging. That it's self righteousness, that it's wanting to be good according to your standard, right? And thinking that, you know, there's this, um, misbelief that I can earn my way to heaven.

Marybel: 50:37

And also, and also believing that you're not bad. Yeah. Oh,

Ann: 50:42

oh, that's another, that's another good one. Because it

Marybel: 50:45

was, I was not just blinded by, you know, like you said, trying to pay my way, but also really being blinded to what I was actually doing. Because I have to admit, I have sinned gravely, you know, even at my own standard, I still, but I chose not to see that sin. I just chose to see all the good things. I only did two bad things, but I did. 20 good. Yeah. So you're still blinded to all of that in every way. Yeah. At every angle. Yeah. You know, and just, we have to come to the acknowledgement for me is to understand who God was a holy God. Yeah. And when I was in my, you asked me what was it that took the blinders Yeah. For me, it was God himself. I was in a vulnerable spot where I wanted to not live because of the quality of life that I was living. I couldn't be touched, I couldn't walk, I couldn't, there's so much I couldn't do. I couldn't even hold my purse for years. One day. Mm-hmm. I said, God, why are you, why are you doing this to me? Why are you allowing this in my life? Because I was really in my witts and. And he said, I'm not your God. And I was like, what? What are you talking about? I read my Bible. I believe, I truly, when I say I truly, truly believed in God. I knew that he was alive and well, right? Because I had Fulton's when I was seven. So when I heard that, I was like, no. And he said clearly to me, who do you think of when you wake up in the morning? It wasn't him. Who do you spend all your time with? It wasn't him. Who do you call when you're in trouble? None of that was him. Mm. It was one name and it was, and it almost made me throw up. Hmm. Because I was putting a man on a pedestal. My first thought when I thought of when I woke up was not God. It was a man that failed me. And I still thought he was, you know? Yeah. He was my first thought. He was the one I always wanted spend my time with. He was everything. You know to me and God was showing me that is not that's your God. Yeah, I'm not When he showed me that I cried I didn't want a wanna believe it I cried but you know what I dust my feet and I said, okay I have to get into this word. Yeah. And because I was in so much pain at the time, I couldn't read through one sentence. That's how bad the pain was. Or heightened. That my mind couldn't concentrate beyond a sentence. Yeah. So what I did was, I started to hear the word of God. Yeah. I would play it like, you know, on TV or on the radio or whatever. And I would just play it. Yeah. Just the Bible reading. You know, I didn't hear to no sermons, none of that. It's just the word of God. And even in my journey, he said, you unbeliever. I'm reading his word now. Okay. He's calling me on believer. I'm like, I know you're going to heal me. He's like, you unbeliever. And I was, but he had to speak to me that way though, because that was the only way that Mirabelle was going to listen. Sometimes people think that Jesus is just going to be sweet to you, but he knows how to talk to you in order for me, and I'm so grateful right now in this very moment that he was able to say things to me that I wouldn't like and that I would cry about and that I would be broken about so that I can get out of that place. Because I was desperate and he knew that I was there.

Ann: 55:47

Yeah. And when you mentioned that, I think of the many times that Jesus would rebuke his own disciples. Uh, when, when Peter, right, uh, there was a moment where he rebukes Peter and he says, get away from me, Satan, right? Get behind me, Satan, right? He rebukes him. And in many occasions, Jesus rebukes his own. Disciples, right?, not in a way to hurt them, but in a way to correct them, to show them, look, this is who I am. And this is who you are to awaken them,

Marybel: 56:26

to awaken them, to bring. Truth.

Ann: 56:29

To awaken them to the truth of who he was and what he said. You know, and so, um, he, he would, he would caution them. He would warn them. He would, uh, rebuke them in love, you know, and was it always sweet and tender? Absolutely not. There were times where he was very stern. He was stern with them, you know, and he did it in love. Yes, he did. And so I do believe that. I do believe that when he speaks to us, it's in love, it's in truth. And I'll tell you one thing, truth stings. Truth stings. The initial impact of truth is to sting. It brings conviction. Right?

Marybel: 57:14

And it does not feel good. And it

Ann: 57:17

doesn't feel good. Right? And our, and our normal, our, our goal to our default is to want to even reject truth. Oh, that hurts. I don't like that. That hurts, you know? And that's when truth as we know it is life. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. Truth is life. We have to choose truth. Every time, though it hurt, though it sting, but truth is what Jesus came to bring. He is the truth, right? And so we need to be able to, um, decipher that. Like, this is truth, truth hurts, there's a sting to it, but it's for my good.

Marybel: 58:15

And that's what he brought to me in the moment, because I felt, I was desperate for life. Yeah. I didn't truly want to die. Yeah. I wanted to end what I was feeling. Yes. I wanted to end the hurt and the pain and the disease. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted that to stop. I didn't truly want to die. You know, and he was injecting life into me. Hmm. By speaking that just... Telling me the truth, but the truth that would reach to take those blinders off. Yeah to knock those things off Because it was because he saw my desperation Hmm. Yeah, you know and and that's the love of a

Ann: 59:04

father, you know when Jesus came to Paul, right? We're talking about the scales and I I can't help but to bring this up. What does Jesus say to Paul on his way to Damascus? He says, Saul of Tarsus, why do you persecute me? Right? Do do you think he said that in a gentle way or did he ask him the question so that Paul can reflect and say, this is, this is God himself speaking to me? This is God himself asking me this question, presenting himself, presenting himself to him in that way. Right? And I'm sure, as we know, Paul was like, God? Yes. Yes. Jesus Christ. God in the flesh.

Marybel: 1:00:06

The one that most people think is too busy. He has so many things to do. Came down from where? At his throne and spoke to you. Yeah. In your bedroom. Mmm. You know, and it's just, you know, that's the love of God. Yeah. And it's like, I haven't known him that way, you know, to come to my aid, you know, and that's why I do what I do, right? That's why I say, yes, Lord, at any capacity, use me, you know, whether I have to scrub toilets or not, whether I have to, it doesn't matter, any capacity, because of him, I

Ann: 1:00:52

live. Yes. Yes. Truly live. Yes. Yes. Truly.

Marybel: 1:00:57

Truly live. And I'm able to not just live, but have joy. Yeah. Have freedom. Yeah. You are no longer condemned. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and it's like knowing that I can really walk. Yeah. In the darkness. Because this world is dark. Yeah. And we can walk here on earth. And it's everything is showing now that everything in the Bible is true.

Ann: 1:01:30

Yes.

Marybel: 1:01:31

Yeah. I can now attest to that. Yeah. Not just his goodness, but that everything that he states in the Bible is true. Yes. And. When you experience the love of Christ in that way, it changes you from the inside out. Yes. You should see, there's so many people are like, you look so different, you're this, you're that, you know, and I'm just like, if you only know. Yeah. It's all God. Mmm. God is the one that keeps me going, you know. Yes, there's so many times that I feel all kinds of things. Because I'm just a feeler. You know, I just, I feel all kinds of things. You know, I feel joy, I feel sadness. You know, and I understand myself better. And I understand why I feel certain things. But I now know how to handle those things. Because of the direction and the guidance of my father.

Ann: 1:02:32

Yes. Yes. I agree. When we get to a place where we understand that God cares deeply for us. When he says, cast your cares upon me because I care for you, he's, there's that exchange. See, give me your concerns. Give me what your worries are. Give me your greatest fears. And in that. I take that and I'm going to care for you, but deeply care for you genuinely, sincerely care for you. We're making it personal, not just, not just your family members, not just the people who are serving God in other capacities, but you, you personally, he cares for you. That's the that. He sees you, Maribel. He sees me, Anne. He sees the listener. Whoever you are, he sees you and he cares for you. How precious is that of our God? How precious is that? And that to me, That means everything. And he

Marybel: 1:03:52

cares about every detail. Every detail. Every

Ann: 1:03:56

detail. Nothing gets

Marybel: 1:03:58

past him. Nothing. It's amazing. And you sometimes think. busy guy. No, there's no way he would care about this thing. You know, but so many times he has given me gifts that no one ever knew I wanted. Yeah. And he's like, here you go. There was a pair of earrings that I wanted and I was serving and this lady just started giving me stuff from her closet and I was like, what's she doing? And she gave me these It's something so simple, not even important, you know, because I was like, well, whatever, it doesn't matter. They're just earrings. Yeah. But the fact that the Lord, that I didn't even voice that, and he still said here. I was like, I felt in the moment where. The Lord not just was my father, but at that point, I felt like he's romancing me, you know? Yes, oh, that's beautiful, yes. He's doing so much for me. It's like, he cares about all these little details. Yeah. That I care about. And not only that, but he provides them. Yeah. You know, and I just... I, that's why, you know, when people tell me, Oh, why aren't you married? I'm like, I don't know, but you know what? I used to be sad about that. But now, I, I understand that he's kept me for a reason. Yes. You know, and that's, that's protection, really. Yeah. He's kept me for a sign, something, someone special, but at the end of the day, I feel that he completes that part, you know, that he wants to aid me in every way, as a husband would, that as a father would. He is really everything.

Ann: 1:06:05

Yes. Yes. I love that you said that word. He's romancing me. I think about what was destroyed in the Garden of Eden What was destroyed was relationship Adam and Eve and their relationship with the Lord, right? Jesus came to restore Restore us back to our God in right relationship with him and when you talk about romance that leads to intimacy and There's got to be a closeness, you see, in order to romance someone, there's got to be a closeness. There's got to be a level of intimacy. There's got to be a oneness. There's got to be a level of trust. There's got to be a confidence, a reliance upon that person, right? And that is what you just said. It's like he was romancing me. Relationship. Yeah, Yeah. Intricately. Intimately. You know that person. And that's how. And you allow that

Marybel: 1:07:23

person in. Yeah. Because once, uh, in my intimate time with him, he says things that are coming, are to come. So when he said for the first time to me, your husband is coming. That's it. Like I almost didn't want it because I'm like, what do you mean, I like this, I like you here in my space, you know, I want, and I desire the Lord to be in that space, in that spot of like, My nakedness, right?

Ann: 1:08:00

Yeah. Your bear before him. Naked before him, yeah. In the

Marybel: 1:08:03

sense of like, I'm comfortable with you now. Yes, yes. Even when I have, you know, whatever sagging. Right? Yeah. I'm just, I'm comfortable with you,

Ann: 1:08:12

I love that. That's so good. Yeah. It's so good

Marybel: 1:08:15

with you. Yes. I feel good with you. And here space. No, there's no hiding. There's no hiding. No need to hide. Yeah. You know? I love that. Yeah. I love that. He loves. Send me in that way.

Ann: 1:08:27

Yes, you see me as I am and you love me, but not only do you love me, you like me, you like me,

Marybel: 1:08:37

and he's such a, um, he always knows how to correct direct. And that's a big part of even being a husband because, you know, we look to those men to guide us, right? Yeah. And that's how he. It has developed us, you know, as female, male, and we all have different parts and different roles. And it's important for us to stay in our role.

Ann: 1:09:15

Yeah. That's a whole nother podcast, Mirabelle.

Marybel: 1:09:18

Yes, it is. So, you know, but it's part of like knowing God and understanding who he is and who, how you can get there, you know? Just say yes every day.

Ann: 1:09:36

Yeah, I know that's right. I thank you for being my guest here today. I thank you for just bringing your vulnerability, just your heart. And, sharing what you've shared today, I do believe that many of the listeners will be blessed through your story. You touched on a lot of things that we haven't touched on before, and so I'm grateful for that. I believe that every person has their story, every person,. Has come from wounded backgrounds. We all know what pain and suffering and hurt feels like, whatever that looks like to each person, as you had mentioned that, right. but one thing that I love when my guests come to share their story is how they see God, they see Jesus Christ in it all. There would be no story without Jesus Christ. Right. So I thank you Maribel for sharing that. Thank you so much, for listening to Maribel as she shares her story. I pray that you all be blessed, and I want to ask you, to continue to follow Her Scars Tell a Story, on YouTube, on Facebook, through Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and Google Podcasts. Stay tuned for the next episode of Her Scars Tell a Story.