Jesus, the healer of our hearts with Betzabel H

In this Podcast Episode I sit down to have a conversation with my dear friend, Betzabel. 
She shares about the trauma and abuse she suffered which affected her as a child and into her adult life. All of her relationships were affected by the unaddressed pain and hurt she was carful to hide until she couldn't keep it hidden anymore. 
Because of Jesus Christ and his redeeming love she is being renewed day by day.
She talks about her strained relationship with her mother and how God not only redeemed this relationship through forgiveness  but also how he gave her the opportunity to lead her mother to Christ and to the waters of Baptism. Her marriage and family is also a testimony of God's continual grace and love. 
My prayer is that Betsy's story will give you hope and bring healing to the wounded areas of your heart in Jesus mighty name.

Transcript

Ann: 0:12

Hey there, friends. My name is Anne Calvio and welcome to her Scars Tell a Story, podcast, A safe space for women from all different walks of life and different backgrounds coming together to share their stories of God's redeeming love. So grab your cup of coffee and journey with us now. Hey there friends. Welcome to her Scars. Tell A Story podcast. I'm your host, Anne Calvio, and today I am with my guest and friend, Betsy. Betsy, welcome to the

Betzabel: 0:55

podcast. Oh, thank you for inviting.

Ann: 0:58

Oh, you're so welcome. I'm so glad you made it here today. It's been a while since we caught up with each other. Yes. but I'm so glad that you said yes to the invitation. But tell us a little bit about yourself.

Betzabel: 1:11

Okay. Like Anne said, my name is Bebbel and, we met in New Life, Cicero. Yeah. Um, and years ago. So long ago. I don't even know how we befriended each other or anything. Yeah. But all I remember is, you know, just the love you had for the Lord and your prayers. Oh my gosh. And your hugs. I'm like, this is a good, this is a good woman right here. But yeah, you actually, in the little time we spent together at Cicero. Yeah. I do wanna let you know that you just impacted. A lot. Mm-hmm. I'm so thank Hey, God.

Ann: 1:52

Hey, God, thank you. You same. I felt like I received that as well from you. Mm-hmm.

Betzabel: 1:58

Thank you for that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I grew up in Glenview. You know, just my dad and my mom, my brother and my sister. We didn't have any other family, so everybody else was back in Mexico, so it was just us five growing up. I don't know, growing up there, it was interesting because we were, you know, one of the few Mexican families Okay. You know, surrounded with around, you know, widows. Yeah. And very rich at that. So, you always felt like some, there was never racism or anything like that, Uhhuh, but you did feel some sort of, difference. Right. So that was from like second grade to, you know, graduation in high school. But before that move to Glenview, we lived somewhere else. I forget what town, but that's where, a lot of things shifted for my family. My dad had two other kids from a relationship when he was back in Mexico and he went back over there to bring his son, okay. So he was my half-brother. Yeah. From what I remember before that happened, I just remember just happiness, you know, like it was chill. Like it was just a, well, at that time it was just the four of us, myself, my sister, my mom, and my dad. I never remember like any problems or anything traumatic or anything like that. Yeah. So as far as I know, everything was good, right. From what I could remember as a kid. But then, My half-brother came into the picture and then I have no idea what happened, but something, my mom caught him doing something to my sister. And from that moment on, it just, it's like that rug got pulled under. Okay. Our feet as a, as a family unit. Yeah. Long story short, I remember going to family therapy and them talking about something and my mom just, you know, hating my half-brother and then, you know, constantly being so angry at my dad, but I had no idea why. So we moved out of that place and we went into another apartment and my half-brother was still in the picture. Yeah. and then I hope I don't get emotional, it's not that it makes me sad, it's just, it's like a feeling of, of like, how dare you? You know? He was, I think like in high school too. When things towards me started happening, um, I vividly remember and to this day it's like an image that's so etched in my memory. For some reason my parents weren't there. My sister wasn't there. It was me and him and another like family kid friend. Mm-hmm. No idea why we were there on our own. But, um, what I remember is him, like sitting me in front of the TV and he turned on the tv. And just, porn, like straight up porn just flashed into the tv. And I had no idea what it was, or like, cuz my parents really sheltered us. So there was nothing like that ever on TV or anything like that. The family friend kid or, I don't know how to describe him, but he was like in shock too. He was just like, what's happening? Cuz he was closer to my half brothers age. Okay. Okay. And I was in kindergarten. Oh. So yeah. So that made a huge impact in my life. And then later on he just exposed me. Basically. He just exposed me to all that stuff. And then later on, like two years down after that, he, he'd molested me and, performed like, just try to get, simulate like sexual things. Yeah. But that was it. Yeah. There was no like, nothing. Yeah. Nothing else. But, you know, as a child when any scale of anything like that happens to you, it definitely, impacts your life for a very long time if it's not dealt with. Yeah. Um, yeah. So I remember, yeah, I remember going to family therapy and I remember being asked those questions. Yeah. And I just stayed quiet and my parents had no idea. Mm. Like no idea at all. So then in high school, you know, well, just throughout my whole life before Jesus, I just had this like, just heaviness. Hmm. And I felt like there was always a cloud over me, just impacting my emotions constantly, like day and night. I never understood why I felt so strange. Mm-hmm. And off. Yeah. That was my life for a very long time and it always felt so exhausting cuz I'm just like, why can't I be happy? Yeah. Or like, why can't I feel joy or freedom like all these other kids. Right. Why? Like, I always questioned why about that. Cuz yeah. I remember seeing kids and they're like, oh, hey, I'm, I'm being a kid. I'm running around. And I always would like sit and just not, it would be so hard for me to socialize. Yeah. Or for me to feel like normal.

Ann: 7:31

At that age, you were very young and he was a lot older. Mm-hmm. He was a teenager. Yeah. As you were growing up, as you became a teenager and as you mentioned, you know, you felt like, why can't I just be joyful? Why can't I just feel normal like everyone else? Like all these other little girls. Yeah. And you said you felt like this heavy cloud over you. At some point did your parents begin to realize that or see that in you, or were you just really good at kind of covering those

Betzabel: 8:05

feelings up? I was really good at covering it up., I just masked it as, being independent. Yeah. Just being different. being like, I guess self controlled as a kid because you know, at the family parties Yeah. Or stuff like that, you know, all the kids running around doing. And I would just like sit my parents would just be like, oh, she's just a very well-behaved Yeah. You know, little girl. Like Yeah. She's not a stressor in our lives. She just cooperates and she does, you know. Yeah. She's just well-behaved, I guess. Yeah. Um, but no, I kept it to myself until, after college or, I mean, after high school. Um, I remember coming back, I don't know, I mean, college was really close, so it was commuting distance. Okay. And I went to a party one day and my mom got very upset that I went and, you know, she was calling me, texting me, whatever. Mm-hmm. And I didn't, you know, reply at all. And, she got really upset. And at this time my parents weren't together. Okay. She calls my dad and it's like she's not answering and all that, all that mom stuff, Uhhuh. So my dad comes over to her place and, you know, they're lecturing me and they're both going at it towards me and I just kind of snapped. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, why do you care about me in this area? Right. Because they're like, we don't want anything to happen to you. You know, we don't want you guys to take advantage of you. All that stuff. So then I snapped. I'm like, why do you care if it already happened? And they're like, what? And I'm like, yeah. You know, and I said, so and so has done this and this. Yeah. And it's like, so why do you care? So I was very towards them. I was very cynical for a very long time. Yeah. And you know, it's not their fault. They didn't know. They had no idea. Mm. They thought it was just that one moment towards my sister when she was really young. Yeah. So, ugh. I remember their faces. I, I was terrible to, deliver it in that way. Mm-hmm. My mom was, got so angry and, you know, started yelling and my dad and my dad was just in shock. Mm. Um, yeah. And he just walked away cuz he had no idea how to deal with it. Yeah. You know, it's his son too. Right. You know, we're his daughters. Yeah. And all he wanted to do by bringing him over here is just to give him a better future. Mm. You know, so. Yeah. So it's, it was messy. Yeah. But it was always like that behind the doors, messy and then out in public. It was, we're the good family. We're like the family with no issues, no problems. Yeah. So it was very like a double life Yeah. Type of thing. How did

Ann: 11:03

that add to the stress of it all? How did that add to the pain of it all and the anger? I listen to women share their stories and one of the things that, I hear from them is they suffered silently. Like nobody knew. And they became angry, not just toward their violator, but towards the people that they loved. Mm-hmm. You know, because they felt that no one hurt them. Yeah. You know, no one was there to protect them. How did you deal with that type of anger? Whatever feelings that you were kind of holding in to keep that mask?

Betzabel: 11:44

Yeah. To keep yourself, self. As a child, I have no idea how I did it. Mm-hmm. I don't even think I understood that there was like that type of process emotionally. Mm-hmm. I just thought that I was this person, like this awkward, antisocial. Yeah. Just like well-behaved kid yeah. And for a long time I was like that. And during college, you know, I was, I grew up in a very strict home though. Mm-hmm. But my parents didn't know any of this happened, and I did. Yeah. They never knew that I was exposed to this. So in their eyes, yeah I was innocent, I was pure, I didn't know any of the stuff. So their overbearing protection mm-hmm. Was because they thought nothing like this has happened to me, or I've never experienced anything like this. So now looking back, I'm very gracious towards them because it's like they didn't know. No. You know, so, so when I would act out, you know mm-hmm. When, towards the end of high school and during college, they had no idea where it was coming from until I told them what happened. Yeah. But. So I grew up in a very strict home, like overly strict, where when, you leave mm-hmm. You kind of act a fool. Yeah. Like you go over. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So that was me. Yeah. That was my story. Uhhuh, after high school, Uhhuh very restricted. I left and then I was straight up like, ugh. Yeah. I call it my ratchet season. Gosh. we all have this. Yes, we all have this season. I'm like, oh. Um, and I tell, I, you know, it's, you know, the Lord Sanctifies, you know? Yes. Thank God. Thank God. So like now I, you know, I sometimes mention a little bit about my past around my family or my parents, and I'm like, man, if you all knew you would've Yeah. You would've choked me out. Yeah. Because, and yeah. But they weren't exposed to what I was doing in college because I lived on campus. Oh, okay. So they, again, they're like, oh, my girl, she's good. She's well behaved. Look at her going to college and getting good grades and doing it on her own. But again, it was still, I was still suffering silently because of the things that I was choosing to do. Yeah. You know, because now I'm like, I'm free. I don't have anybody, you know, overbearing, constantly nagging. Um, and yeah, so what happened to me as a. Definitely transferred over as a young adult. Mm-hmm. And I had no idea where it was coming from. I'm like, why? Why am I being so lustful? Why am I being so, you know, sexual? Mm-hmm. Why am I always like looking? You know? Yeah. Yeah. And I just felt this huge emptiness constantly. Yeah. You know, now during my young adult years, um, always trying to, you know, fill it with something that's constantly leads you to death. Yeah. Basically. and then it just became into shame after Yeah. A while. Yeah. Um, you know, just hearing things, what other people would say or you put trust in people, you know Yeah. Whoever you're with. And, yeah. Just being filled with guilt and shame. Yeah. Having no idea, like for me, like I had no idea how it was not gonna be that, you know, I was to my core, I thought I was gonna be like that forever. Mm. So everything that happened with my half-brother just was like, you know, yeah. It's automatically gets pushed to the back of your mind because you're a kid and it's survival. But I vividly remember. Sophomore year I was in my room and just this thought of what happened to me as a kid just dawned on me. Mm-hmm. Um, and I just start sobbing and I'm just like, and then that's that moment I got angry. Mm-hmm. And I was never angry about what happened to me. Hmm. And I never connected the way that I was as a child. And as you know, the years progressed that it pointed to that. So then I became extremely angry. Yeah. Then, oh, I remember what triggered that. He actually messaged me and then he's like, on Facebook and he's like, oh, I don't know what happened that, like, we can't be close as family and blah, blah, blah. Mm. And I read him, I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. Mm-hmm. Like, really? Yeah. You don't know because what happened, what you did Yeah. Was something that was, you are cautious about it. You are a lot older. Yes. How do you not remember that? Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, wow. So then mm-hmm. I, I remember I left like the computer lab and I went to my room and I was so angry. Yeah. Um, and that's when, you know, all of that connected and college, you know, my rightness just carried on deeper and deeper and deeper. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then one night after being out, I highly regretted something I did. Mm-hmm. And there was, there's like this chapel where my school was uhhuh, a beautiful little chapel. And then the middle of the night I was with my friend that I grew up with. Um, I run into this chapel, it's super late at night, Uhhuh. I just run down the aisle, Uhhuh, and I fall like I'm the altar and I just cry out to God. And at this point I, I had no idea, you know, like the power that God had or that Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit. Like I had nothing. Yeah. No idea. So I'm just there sobbing and I called out my heart. Mm-hmm. Genuinely called out to him. Hmm. And my friend's like, okay, like what is happening right now? Yeah. Like, it's okay. But I'm like, but you don't understand. And I honestly think that, in the last two years of, of college, God was like really knocking on my door. Mm-hmm. Like it was just getting louder and louder. Yeah. And then I remember my senior year, I was in my room. And I don't know what happened, but it gave me like that same feeling again. I was laying on my bed looking out the window and I was just crying out to God, just looking at, up into the sky and I'm just like, oh my gosh, you have to do something. Cuz I have no idea what I'm doing in my life and the only thing I'm doing is wrecking it. Mm-hmm. So I was very self-aware. I've always been very self-aware. Yeah. So I know when I mess up or you know. Yeah. How foolish. Yes. All those years were Yes. You know? So that was that. That was college. Yeah. College. It was exhausting. My college years were exhausting to think about, but it seems

Ann: 18:57

like, like you mentioned, that was a crucial point where God, um, was pursuing you. Mm-hmm. You can just see that he was pursuing you Yeah. In that time and you were responding. Yeah. You are responding by crying out. Mm-hmm. By saying, help me. Right by, like, I, I need you. Right? Mm-hmm. And, and so when was it that you said, okay. I really need change in my life. I really need God in my life. Like I'm, I mean, serious business. Now, when did that moment

Betzabel: 19:33

happen? Um, well, you know, my four years were up by college and then I stayed in the area and I got a job at a restaurant. Mm-hmm. And I met a waiter there. Mm-hmm. And at this time when I started working there specifically, I was like, shopping for a church, Uhhuh, you know, how you like go and test out any type? And I'm like, cuz I'm like, I need God. Yeah. I don't know how, how this is all gonna work out, but let me fill out some of these churches. And I would go to this one and I'm like, oh, oh no. Mm-hmm. You know, too introvert for this. And then, and then I mentioned to, my friend, angel, and at the time he was going to Cicero. Okay. in the Spanish service. And he was like, oh yeah, the pastors there are great, like they do a bilingual thing. And I'm like, what? Mm-hmm. And he's like, just go check it out. You're, you're looking anyway, so why not? Yeah. And I'm like, okay. Uhhuh just, I guess I could trust you enough to go check it out. Uhhuh. And I went there, and the first service, it was like a bilingual, so it was. I'm like hearing the same thing. Double. Okay. You know? So I'm like, oh, I dunno about this Uhhuh. and then I went, I tried it out again. Mm-hmm. and I just went to the English service and at the end the pastor was like, you know, like Jesus is calling you, you know, just like the Alta call at the end of service. Yeah, yeah. And, and I remember I'm just like sitting there. Mm-hmm. Like very, very still. I'm like, Uhuh. Yeah. And, you know, and he kept saying like, just go to him, like, you know? Yeah. And in my heart, like it felt, I, it felt like a war within me because I'm like mm-hmm. Like, my pride was just like, no. Yeah. You know? Yeah. But my heart was so desperate, you know, I'm just, and then, yes, I've always been this type of person. I could be very stubborn, but when it comes to choosing and choosing what is right, yeah. My attitude could sometimes be like, oh, fine. Yeah. So, so I wa I did that uhhuh, you know, in my head I'm like, oh, okay, fine. Uhhuh this guy, you know, I'm like, I don't know. He's talking to the. You know, the whole congregation, and I'm just like, fine, I'll just go. So this guy stops talking. My goodness. So like the third time he mentioned it, I'm like, okay, fine, let me, let's go. Yeah. And then I go to the altar and I just remember one of the sisters coming to me and just, you know, asking me all those good questions and I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. you know, accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior. It was just like the easiest Yes. Of my life. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Um, and then after that it is just transformation after transformation and it's been so amazing. Yeah. Um, a lot of pruning. Yeah. I feel like the pruning season has been like the longest thing, right? Yeah, for sure. The Lord, like stealing with all of those bad roots. Mm. Yes. Um, and before I got married, it's very easy when you're single. Mm-hmm. Right? And you're on your journey with Jesus. It's very easy because it's like, oh, you know, yeah, this isn't that bad. This is really easy. Uhhuh, you know, I'll let go of the alcohol. I'll let go of the guys, I'll let go of, all those obvious sins. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Below and behold I got married, Uhhuh. Um, and Oh my goodness. I thought, yeah. Yeah. That's all I could say. I thought I was good. Yeah. Um, I was convinced. I'm like, I'm ready to be a wife. I am ready to be a mother whenever that comes. In the beginning. Yeah. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Mm. You know, I, I grew up in a home where my parents were just so much conflict. Yeah. Consistently. Yeah. So I never saw a proper, you know, they never got married. Mm-hmm. So I never saw like a proper like duo. Yeah. You know? Yeah., and not what a, I guess a wife should be. Yeah. There was a lot of anger in their marriage, a lot of resentment. I had no idea how much that damaged. Me too. Yeah. especially with my mom. Right. Because something happened, you know, there too. And my trust as a little girl was broken. Yeah. And, I think we've talked about this Yeah. Like a long time ago. Yeah. Yeah. Oh

Ann: 24:20

my gosh. At, at, at the baseball game. Yes.

Betzabel: 24:23

Yes. I remember our husbands were playing, we were talking about our moms and Yes, you were. you mentioned how, you would just pray for her. Yes. And how with Jesus, your relationship changed, like, the way you felt towards your mom changed so much. Yes. And when you told me that, I was like, no, no. Yeah. I remember like, I was so reluctant. I'm like, yeah, whatever. Yeah. In my head I'm like, there's no way with this woman and me like, yeah, there's no way. So when I got married, my husband and I, he came from a home that was, the women just do all the things. Mm-hmm. Right. So he was really used to that. Okay. Yeah. And I grew up in a home where my dad was extremely involved. Yeah. You know, with us, with the home making type of stuff. Right. So for me, that was my reality. Yeah. And for him, it was his reality. Right. So, and we never really talked about that. Mm-hmm. I don't know why. Yeah. But it just never came up. Right. It never came up until we live together. Yeah. You

Ann: 25:23

kind of just assume like, we totally, he's gonna, he's gonna be in it, you know, he's gonna be supportive, he's gonna help wash the dishes. Exactly. And she's gonna do my laundry. She's gonna cook for me, she's gonna hook up my plate

Betzabel: 25:36

a hundred percent. Yes, a hundred percent. That was what we were assuming of each other. So then, you know, we got married and then, we got pregnant with Grayson right away. Mm-hmm. So it was like, for me mm-hmm. From what I come from and from, you know, my background and everything, it was like a double, like a double whammy. Yeah. So it was that, you know, the marriage and the assumptions and like Yeah. For me, I'm like, um, wait, what? Like, what? No. You know? And for the people that know me, I could, at the beginning I was very mouthy, extremely mouthy, so. Mm-hmm. He knew how I felt about all that. Yeah. But then when, Grayson was born, oh my. The fear, the anxiety. Mm. The oh my gosh,, I'm gonna mess her up. Like my mom messed me up. Mm-hmm. And, you know, the fear of someone doing something to her. Yeah. And, yeah, I was terrified Yeah. To be a, a mother of a daughter. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So when I found out that I was pregnant, I'm like, God, please gimme a boy. Mm-hmm. I just want a boy. Yeah. Like, and I was convinced I was gonna have a boy. Mm-hmm. So then, when I went to go get that ultrasound and like, you wanna know what it is? I'm like, yeah, of course. Yeah. And they said, girl, and I'm like, no. Yeah. I don't, and then like, that kind of like excitement and joy. Yeah. Just kind of like wet, flat, worried and fearful. Yeah. Yeah. And I just remembered I would just pray for her, you know, for who she would be and Yeah. You know, become, and God to just protect her all the time. Yeah. And that's how I tried not to get like overexcited mm-hmm. Because I had no idea how it was gonna be. Right. So here we are in our new place, freshly married, you know, not even whole year, end of marriage. Oh, Grayson's coming and yeah. so yeah, it was, it was rough. Everything, everything was happening

Ann: 27:36

pretty

Betzabel: 27:37

fast. Yeah. Super fast. Too fast. Yeah. If you're newly married, just wait. Yeah. Wait to have babies. Deal with your marriage stuff first. But that's what I tell all my friends. I'm like, just wait, enjoy each other. Get to know one another, you know, cuz it gets messy. Now

Ann: 27:54

did you guys do the whole courting thing through church or did you guys meet

Betzabel: 27:59

like We, we met at a gym. Okay. Um, I love this gym because, you know, I didn't care for anybody Uhhuh and nobody bothered me. I just went in and out. And then Dave and his best friend opened up like a protein shake, bar stand thing at the gym and it was so funny. And cuz I'm like, he is noom, where's he from? Um, so, you know, I just see them setting up their shop in the gym and everything. I'm like, okay. And then, you know, fresh meat, right. Uhhuh. So all the girls are just like, oh, look at these guys. And, but what stood out so much about Dave is. He was never flirty. He was so respectful. So I was like eyeing him at, you know, at far Yeah. Uhhuh, you know, just making sure that his character was consistent. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and yeah, he was, he was always so kind to everybody. Hmm. It was just so organic the way we met. Mm-hmm. And, you know, just a few conversations here, there, when I would go get a protein shake, because when I would do'em at home, they just, they tasted terrible, but not when Dave made them. No. He made himself with love, especially more for me. He hooked it up for you? Yes, he did. But yeah, it was really cool. Mm-hmm. And then, you know, we started working out together. Mm-hmm. And then one of those days, uh, we were just like, do you wanna go out to eat? Mm-hmm. And I'm just like, okay. So of course, you know, I was still very new in my faith and I'm like, do you go to church? Do you believe in Jesus Uhhuh? And he is like,, I mean, yeah, but it's not, you know, I'm not really fully in it, but I do want that. Hmm., but before I met him, I'm like, I'm not doing relationships anymore. Like I'm done. Done. Yeah. And he was in the same. You know, with the same position. Like, I don't want a relationship, I'm done. Yeah. So then that's how we got, that's of course how you connected. Of course, that's how it happens usually Uhhuh. And yeah, it was really nice getting to know him and he grew, and the Lord as well. Yeah. And I'm like, you gotta do this. It's like no option. Yeah. So he went, I

Ann: 30:14

love that. I love that you were pretty firm mm-hmm. On your mm-hmm. In your beliefs and that you wanted that in your

Betzabel: 30:20

husband. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, he's the type of person that's never gonna do something. Mm-hmm. Because someone forces him. That's right. So I knew it was a genuine thing for himself. Yes. Yes. Because I'm like, I also don't want to force somebody to do something like that. And you mentioned

Ann: 30:36

that you wanted it to be a genuine relationship with God,

Betzabel: 30:40

not something forced. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So, we're both growing in him and then that's how we ended up meeting. Yeah. And then

Ann: 30:48

that then your beautiful baby comes

Betzabel: 30:50

along and then Grayson comes along and then Ezekiel comes along. they're 18 months apart. And then our third Asher. Yeah. he's just the chunkiest little happiest what his name means. Yeah. He literally is that, like she's happy. Lord is so good and faithful. Yeah. Like that's all I could say. Just thinking back from when, our marriage started to, having our children just, the transformation is so amazing. And of course we're not perfect. Yeah. And we still struggle with certain things, but it's day and night. Yes. You know, the way we work together, the way we speak to one another, the way we react, just, it's been cuz Oh girl. Yeah. It was so messy.

Ann: 31:39

How, do you think it got to that place? I mean, for women that are listening, maybe somebody who's, newly married mm-hmm. And maybe now starting a family. How did you get to that place of, like you said, man, it was rough in the beginning mm-hmm. But transformation happened. What did transformation look like along the years?

Betzabel: 31:59

For me personally, I don't know about him. Mm-hmm. But for me personally, it was, this is how the Holy Spirit got me. And how he like, kind of shook me, you know? Yeah. To reality of the, the grand scheme of eternity. the way that I would behave towards Dave, the way that I would speak to him Hmm. Reminded me so much of my mom and her character, you know, like just resentful and spiteful. The resentment was thriving in me towards my husband. Yeah. Very unforgiving. Hmm. And then the Holy Spirit goes, if you continue this way, your daughter is gonna see that and not like in, obviously just in a conviction. Yes. I never felt condemned. Right. But it was just like, let's, we need to do work here clearly. Yeah. and you know, you're, at the time Asher wasn't born yet, but with Ezekiel he was like, he's gonna grow up seeing a woman like this. Hmm. So, you know, the Holy Spirit got me with my kids. Yeah. And I'm like, no. Yes. You know? Yeah. And it was just, that was just a focus. It's like, no, I can't. These, these cycles need to break. Yes. Like, I'm not gonna allow this stuff to touch my kids. Yes. You know, like I recognize, you know, like how I said earlier mm-hmm. Very self analytical. Yeah. and I'm aware of the damage that this stuff could happen. Yeah. And cause Yeah. so he grabbed me by the hand mm-hmm. And we're like, okay, we're going to work now. And I'm like, no, I don't want to. This is, this is deep. Yeah. And it's gonna be rough. Yeah. So, my pruning season, that's how I like to label it. Yeah. Was so hard. And it was all over the place. Mm. Super emotional all the time. and it was only, not only like me being a wife, but also at the same time being a new mom and learning how to be a mom Yeah. And how to raise children to know of the Lord. Yeah. And not only hear it, but actually see it because God was like, you're not gonna be the parent that just talks. Yeah. You know, cuz that's how where my parents were, my dad was very like vocal in what he expected. Mm-hmm. You know? But he kinda, not that he was bad, he never did anything wrong. He was just extremely strict. Yeah. So he respected a lot. and that was it. Yeah. Like there was no grace in, you know, his parenting. Right. And so God was just like, you're not just gonna talk, talk, but you have to, you have to show your children in these four walls Yeah. Who Jesus is. Yeah. Because then why are you even doing it? Yeah. What is the point? Mm-hmm. It becomes a hobby here then. Yes. That's my real, just, just so you'll know God, God with the way that he speaks to me is very, just very straightforward. Yes. Never like a, strict parent. When it's time to work. That's how he, sits me down. Yeah. And it's like, okay, it's time to work now. Yeah. And this is what has to happen. Mm. Because, eternity is at hand. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And I love God that he's just always been so real with me. Yeah. Like in that area. So yeah. As a wife, it was more of like, what's the legacy here in our. What are we leaving? What are we doing? Are we just wasting time? Like I, I don't remember how many times I've told that to my husband. I'm like, what are we doing? Mm-hmm. Like, what's, why are we going to church if this is how our home life looks like? Like what is, what is happening? Yeah. Um, I was always very honest about things like that with my husband. Yeah. And God made him so kind and gracious. Mm-hmm. Just like he just overloaded him with that stuff too. Yeah. Because cuz Dave just let God do his thing in me, you know, and he could totally testify like this woman. Yeah. It was work. But he never was mean in that. Yeah. When that all of that was happening. Cuz I was still fighting, you know, it was a spiritual battle for me, like really an intense one for me. But he let me be cuz he saw what was happening. Yeah. He knew that, that God and I were working Yeah. On some thing. Yeah. You know? And it got to the point where, you know, So, okay. So God made me realize like, okay, this is the ground we gotta work on. Yeah. Let's start pulling out the roots. All those weeds that just create a mess, that block growth, and so there we were, God and I doing the work and then, childhood, it's always one of those first things Yes. That God wants to deal with. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. And the situation, my half-brother popped up and in this particular moment, that anger surfaced again. Mm-hmm. And, I was, I remember talking to my husband and I was just like, I never got to experience what purity was. You know, like as, as a kindergartner, you don't even have like mm-hmm. I mean, as a kid, you just are, right? Yeah. So I got really angry, like, He didn't let me be a child. He took it from me. like what a violation. You know? Um, and I was just so angry that I never felt pure, you know? Yeah. Or like innocent. Because that tainted my life for such a long time. It was such a shame for a long time. So God's like, no more we're done. Like, that's it. Yeah. You are, you are pure. Mm-hmm. You are clean. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I make you widest snow. Yes. You know? And that's during that time, that's constantly what always just going in my mind. Constantly. Constantly. Yeah. And then he addressed college and he's like, everything that you did, it is done. Like you are not that anymore. Yeah. You are my daughter. Yes. And when I look at you, you are good. You are pure, you know? Um beautiful. So the only thing that was really rough about that after I spoke to my husband, was I like outta of nowhere went to Mia. A on my dad. Hmm. And oh. Okay. Really quick side note on my dad. Yeah. So when I went to Cicero mm-hmm. I invited my dad. Yeah. And, you know, he was going there for a while. I met my best friend there, Uhhuh, and,, she went to the Spanish service Yeah. With her mom. So,, my dad meets the Lord and accepts Jesus. He gets baptized and then out of nowhere, my best friend and I noticed that our parents are talking Uhhuh. I'm like, I'm like, they're talking a lot. And she's like, yeah, they are Uhhuh. And they ended up getting married. Really? Yeah. It was beautiful. Wow. Okay. Because my stepmom is, oh my gosh, I have to mention her. She's one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. And I'm like, thank you, Lord, that you brought this woman in our family. Yeah. Because, because Wow. Yeah. She's been, that, she's been like that fresh air into, my dad. Yeah. Into my siblings. At the time she was just like an anchor we never knew we needed because she just loves the Lord. Yeah. Right. And I remember even. My dad met her. I just remember seeing her, and she just glowed. I'm like, how do you glow like that? Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's Jesus, it's Jesus. It's totally, and she just loved the Lord, and we had no idea this was going on. But then one day, you know, my dad sets me aside. She's like, oh, I'm gonna marry, you know? Mm-hmm. I'll marry Africa. I'm like, what? Yeah. And it was so funny how he reacted, because I'm like, look, I have an amazing relationship with my friend Josie. If, and you better take care of my mom, because if you do not, I am dropping you so like, so fast because you're not messing with my friendship. Like, I need Josie in my life, life, Uhhuh. And, and her mother is gold. Yeah. So you better treat her that way because she's Jesus's daughter. Like, do you understand what you're about to do, Uhhuh? And he's like, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, mm, okay. I know you dad. I know who you're right. Yeah. Uhhuh. So I'm like, that's why I gave him that talk. Yeah. Because I knew him. Like, Hey. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You can't mess, can't mess with her. No. You know? So they ended get married and, she's in my life, she's just been a woman that I could just be so honest with. Hmm. She's been, that woman that listens to me, she never judges. Yeah. But when I am wrong, she always does lead me back to the Lord and what he says. So I went Mia on him. Okay. Because my dad and I, we never had like a hostile relationship. Mm-hmm. It was always very chill. Mm-hmm. As a kid, I loved, talking to him cuz he was just so filled with wisdom and like cool stories and Yeah. Stuff like that. I never wanna paint him as like a really rough dad, but he, you know, he's, he's a dad. And so we never had any type of animosity. Mm-hmm. And if we ever got into like, you know, arguments when I was younger, he would always come back. Mm-hmm. And always like try to just crack jokes and try to make me feel better he was always very forgiving. When I would, just react. So for me to go just out of nowhere, just not talk, and they always come over every Sunday. Okay. From when we started having kids, they would always visit every Sunday. Mm. So they went off to Mexico for a vacation and this is like when that pruning, was happening. With me and God,, he didn't know the type of transition I was going through. So when they came back and they go to Mexico for like a month, okay. So we're like, yeah, cool. Have fun. Yeah, we'll see when you come back. But we didn't, and I talked to Africa about it. Yeah. I'm like, look, this is what's happen. And this is where I am with God and I need to deal with my emotions. Mm-hmm. And I need to ask God how he wants me to handle it. Mm-hmm. Because there a certain conversation has to happen with my dad. In order for me to move on, to be able to let it go. Yeah. Completely un heal from it. And it was really hard because I totally acknowledge that it's, it's a subject that it's very hard for my dad to talk about. Yeah. Because of so much shame. And my dad's with his emotions, he controls them very well. He just keeps them to himself. He never, bad mouths to anybody. Mm-hmm. And he's not gonna spill his laundry either. Mm-hmm. He's that type of person. So I, I wanted to talk to him in a way that he would not feel ashamed for what happened. Yeah. And that took, so they're gone a month and then they come back expecting to come, you know, like that following Sunday. And I'm like, Hey, you need to call, you need to talk to my dad and let him know that we're, we're not gonna talk and mm-hmm. I don't want him over. Mm-hmm. Um, and. It was like a good month and a half. Yeah. You know, and it was, it was really hard. I remember calling him one evening and I was so nervous. Mm. Because like, I've never not talked to my dad for that long. Yeah. We're always in contact and it's always a good time with each other. So for him, I could only imagine how he felt. Right. And his grandkids, you know, always seeing his grandkids and Yeah. It was hard on him too. A hundred percent. Yeah. So, so I opened the conversation saying, I'm sorry. Mm-hmm. I'm sorry for cutting you off and not even explaining what was happening. Mm-hmm. But I wanna talk to you about what happened when I was a kid. So he let me talk. Mm-hmm. And he was so gracious and he was not angry at all. He's just like, I'm so sorry. I could have dealt with the situation so much better because a big question of mine was why didn't you send him back when he did? I don't even know exactly what he did to my sister. I'm like, when that happened, like, why didn't you believe my mom? Hmm. Like, why was it in an argument? Why didn't you just send him back? Mm-hmm. You know, if my mom was so upset like that, like why wouldn't you take her side? Right. So it was more of that. Yeah. You know, like the in between, like why wasn't there any action? Yeah. He actually told me that he doesn't talk to him at all, and I didn't even know that that's how, that's how like closed off my dad is with Yeah. With issues in life. Yeah. And I had no idea and I'm just like, oh man. Yeah. I didn't know. Yeah. When you grow in Jesus, you learn to truly forgive and then to have compassion Yes. Onto those that, that don't deserve it, but like, we never deserved it. You know, we don't Yeah. So you're faced with that reality too. Yeah. So I was faced with that reality of like having to forgive my half-brother I had a conversation with my stepmom. About all of that. Mm-hmm. And then I learned my half-brother, like made up some lie. Like it was really weird. So this is when I noticed that like something was off with him. Yeah. Right. Cuz she just mentioned that when she went to visit mm-hmm. He was there and then out of nowhere and she had no idea what he was talking about. Out of nowhere, he comes up to her and just says, oh yeah. Their mom lied about me and you know, said these things that I did to her daughter and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, what? Like how can he, why would he, well, at first he's just meeting you. Yeah. Right. And like, why would he just out of nowhere just come up to you and tell this Yeah. Elaborate story about something that she has no idea about. Oh my goodness. Because she didn't know. Yeah. My dad doesn't talk about stuff like that. Right. So I'm like, what? And I'm like, this is why he said that. Mm. And I totally opened up to her Yeah. About that situation. And she's like, wow. And so when she told me that, I felt so bad for him. Yeah. And I'm like, wow. The need that he. Continuously lie. Yeah. You know, after all of these years. Yeah. It's still so heavy on him, I guess. Yeah. I don't even know how old he is. He's a full grown man still lying about this situation that happened. In our family. And I don't know, God just gave me so much compassion to him and I thought about him as a child and I'm like, what happened to him? Yes. That caused him to think that this stuff was okay. Cuz they ended up living with their mom and my dad came up and they weren't obviously separated, but I'm like, I wonder what happened in his life that caused him mm-hmm. To do these things. Right. Because, you know, as a teenager you're aware of what you're doing. Right. But that's also young. Yes. And so I was really saddened for him. So my dad and I talked and that was half of the work. Mm. With my dad. He was just so loving. Yeah. And so, you know, forgiving and I was so grateful for that, thank God. And yeah. That was all the work I had to do with my dad. Yeah. And it was my mom's side. Yeah. So at the same time I caught off my dad, I also caught off my mom. Yeah. But with my mom, it was kind of normal. Okay. Because with her, our relationship was just on and off hospital and mm-hmm. I didn't really like her for a very long time. Mm-hmm. And I made sure she knew that I didn't like her. Mm-hmm. I was a terrible kid towards her, I didn't have a heart towards her for a very long time. And obviously, again, God was just like, well, if you want me to forgive you, you have to forgive your mother. How are you supposed to receive my forgiveness? Right. If you can't forgive your mom? And I'm like, no. I really don't want to do this. Yeah. Because I really don't care. Mm-hmm. Like, that's how my attitude was, uhhuh. And God's like, if you don't let me work here, then you're gonna be like this for the rest of your life. And I'm like, no, I can't do that either. Mm. So it's like, you gotta choose. Yeah. You gotta choose. Where you're gonna obey in order for him to do his work, because then there's no way Yeah. That he could touch that if you don't submit it to him. Hmm. So I'm like, okay, fine. Oh man, I, did not know how resentful I was towards her, like how deep it went. Like I knew in general obvi, it was so obvious too. Everybody that knew him usually like, yeah, mm-hmm. I have issues. But, I had no idea how deep it was. And, the Holy Spirit convicted me when she would come over and it was like, my heart had a timer for her. It's like, okay, I'm good with you if you're here, like for an hour, an hour and a half, but if you're here longer, it's like my love and my kindness towards her was phony. Hmm. Right. It's like I was forcing to be loving towards her and to be kind and like inviting so it was very fake and it was very phony and God's like, no, that's not honoring your mother. And I'm like, oh, okay. And during one of our fasting seasons, I read of one of the psalms, you know, how they sometimes give verse to read every day. Yes. Uhhuh. And one of'em was, oh, I don't remember, but it was in the Psalms and David, just general saying how he thank God for how his life was mm-hmm. In the past. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And for him it was a totally different type of context. Mm-hmm. But when I read that mm-hmm. Oh my gosh. Yeah. My eyes opened my, it was like a, it was, it was one of the most beautiful moments I've had with God. Mm-hmm. You know, in regards to my mom. Wow. Because I'm like, wow, God, you know what you're doing. Mm-hmm. Like, we sometimes forget that he rules over everything. Yeah. And that no matter what happens, his hand is on it. So I'm just like, wow. Like if you gave me a mom that I always desired, I would not be with you. Mm. Because I have a personality of like, if it's good mm-hmm. And it's easy. Mm-hmm. And I don't have to work hard for it then I'm good. Yeah. Like, I will stay here. But with her, it was completely opposite. As long as I could remember. And so when I read that, I'm like, thank you, thank you for my mom. Yeah. Because I would be, good in dandy if I had the mom I wanted. From that moment on I was able to have compassion towards her and understanding Yeah. And see her, how God sees her. And to actually genuinely love her. Which is something that I'd never experienced towards my mom. And I'm like, thank you, Lord. That you make me work in this, this way. Yeah. Yeah. Because not only does he men relationships and redeems things, but my relationship with him just got deeper and deeper. You know, the obedience was delayed. Yeah. You know? Yes. But once I finally did submit and obey, he, it's just like a, like that just so quick. He turns things around when in my life, that's how I've experienced when I obey him quickly. Mm-hmm. The work isn't dragged on. Yes. You know? Yeah. But like in situations, like with my mom, I dragged my obedience and it's just, it's just heavier. Yeah. Versus obeying quickly versus delayed obedience. Yeah. And he's like, you know, del delete Obed. And so still this obedience. Yeah. So much. Why not just don't baby me. Like, you know how I work. Yeah. Why don't you just let go? So, fast forward one day, my mom is over and the kids kept us busy all day. Uhhuh, and they went to bed pretty late that day, but I never got a chance to like, be like, Hey mom, how are you? Right? Yeah. So then we put the kids to bed and we're having this conversation like at 11 at night. Yeah. I'm like, stay, like I actually, I genuinely wanted to talk to my mom. Yeah. I'm like, stay, let's just talk really quick. And then you go back home. Yeah. And we're just talking about life. And mind you, my mom's conversations and I were, they're never deep. Mm-hmm. It's just like, Hey, what's up Blake? It's, you know. Yeah. Very

Ann: 54:04

casual, cordial conversation.

Betzabel: 54:05

No, nothing crazy. Nothing deep. Mm-hmm. But this, this night, the Lord had something and mind. We were both really, into the conversation, just giving our hearts out to one another. And I don't even know how well, yes, I do know the Holy Spirit. Yes. I asked her, I'm like, where are you with God? Let's talk about God for a second, right? Yeah. Because, the Holy Spirit's, like, you're gonna have to ask her some questions tonight that determine what she's gonna believe in. Hmm. Because before this, I never talked to her about Jesus. Hmm. I never talked to her about, heaven and hell Yeah. Nothing like that. Right. Nothing concerning. I was never really, concerned for her. Yeah. You know, eternity. So then I'm like, so what, what do you think about Jesus? Like, what's mm-hmm. Share what you think. And she's like, well, I think I'm a good person. I don't do anything bad like that. Uhhuh. So I think I'm good with God. And I'm like, mm. Actually, yeah. You know, that's not what, determines, uh, like that doesn't cover us. Yeah. It's Jesus. We need Jesus to go in front of us because he's He's perfect. Yeah. You know, he's, he was that sinless sacrifice for us. And no matter, and I'm like, I know you're a good person. You've never done anything bad. Mm-hmm. And, um, and I know you're changing. Mm-hmm. And you're definitely not the woman you were before. Yeah. So I know. Yeah. But, you know, but we still need Jesus. Yeah. Because we're never in front of a good perfect holy God. Yeah. Like without Jesus, we're extremely blemished. Yes. And we are never good to be presented that way. That's why we need Jesus as a sacrifice, because he is perfect. He is this perfect son. So that's why he gave him, to us,, to take that spot for us. And then she was so quiet. And for mom, my mom to be that quiet cuz she always has an opinion about everything. Right? Yeah. So for her to be quiet like that, I was like, oh, she's listening. Yeah. I'm like, okay, let me, let's go further, Lord. Yeah. And the Holy Spirit was like, keep going, keep going cuz tonight's the night and, and Okay. And that's exciting. It was. Oh my gosh. I was, you know what? Like the Holy Spirit wants you to do something now. So I, my heart starts pumping, like I hear the heartbeat Yeah. In my chest, and my hands start shaking and I get all like nervous. I'm like, um, I'm like, do you wanna accept Jesus? Like, do you believe in him? I shared a story with her, a testimony of how he delivered me of my depression because for a long time I struggled mentally and I thought it was just like postpartum or, just like it was my circumstances. Yeah. You know, like the marriage, the kids all at the same time and Yeah. All the mess with, family issues and the trauma. So I thought it was just that all at the same time. Mm-hmm. It was just something that was constantly there and I'm like, why is this so heavy still? Like it shouldn't be. Right. So I had some brothers and sisters pray over me and that night I got delivered from that a hundred percent. And they were just casting out, depression, suicide. Yeah. All those things that, the Holy Spirit was telling them to pray over me. Yeah. And I just remember. The freedom after that, like after that last thing was casted out, I just cried and I've never experienced that with the Lord. Mm. And I fell down to my knees and all I could say coming outta my mouth was just like, thank you Jesus. Yeah. Because it was something that I knew that was still there. Yeah. And I wasn't fully able to live in that freedom that, you know, other people. I'm like, how do you, how do you live in that freedom that Jesus? Like, what are you talking about? Yeah. Because I'm like, yeah, I believe in everything, but what hasn't this happened yet? Yeah. So, just experiencing brothers and sisters praying like that over me Yeah. Was such a beautiful experience. I got, yes. I had with them and with the Lord and I shared that with them, with my mom. Yeah. And she was so like mesmerized. Hmm. Like what? Like she has no idea. Like Yeah. You are struggling with that. And um, that's what God did to you. Yeah. Like he gave you that freedom. I'm like, yes Mom. And I'm like, I could breathe. Yeah. I'm like, I could finally breathe. Yeah. So, I'm just like, do you believe in Jesus? This is what he's done to me. And this is only the beginning. Yeah. And she's like, yeah. And so, I, told her to pray. Mm-hmm. And just confess, Yeah. That he's lured over her life and that you believe in him and, I didn't tell her what to say. Yeah. But I'm just like, but if you believe all these things about him Yes. Then you pray for Yes. Pray to him. Yes. Give him your heart. Amen. Give him your life. Mm-hmm. Give him every single aspect of your life. Yeah. And he will take over., and then after that, she confessed certain things mm-hmm. That were, still inside of her that I had no idea. Mm-hmm. I'm just like, mom and dad, why aren't you like, why don't you open up? Yeah. Like, why don't you guys open up to like see the humanity of you? Mm-hmm. so through that season of pruning and going, am I a at my parents and, you know, God redeeming that part of my dad and myself, but to see the redemptive work of Jesus in my mom that's in and me. And for me, yeah. To ask her those questions at my dinner table. Yeah. Gloria in my kitchen at like, at this time it was like one o'clock at night. Mm. And, for it to be me, for God to use me. Yeah. Someone that hated her mom. Mm-hmm. Mm. And someone that felt so unloved and so guilty and ashamed of what a t of mom she was for, for God to touch our relationship like that. Oh my gosh. And I honestly would've never thought, like I, no, yeah. Never in a million years, but I'm just like, so I was, at the same time, I'm like nervous about, you know, doing this correctly because I never, I've never let anybody to the Lord. Oh. And the fact that it was of my mom, the first person, right. Yeah. How beautiful. I, okay. So then I was, that's precious. So I was nervous about them. Like, I want her to do this correctly. I want her to know the cost. Yeah. I wanna make sure that it's done correctly. Yeah. Um, and at the same time, I'm overly joyed and excited about what is happening because I recognize what the Lord is doing and, oh, it was so beautiful. It was such a beautiful. It was way too late. Yeah. I'm like, mom, you're not going home. You're gonna stay. So she slept over. And then, that night I text my friend, and I asked her, I'm like, my mom just, accepted the Lord. And could you come over to just explain in detail in Spanish?. Because my translation was like, well, you know, so just have like, it's just to have a deeper, understanding Yeah. Of what just happened. Yeah. And you wanna make

Ann: 1:02:06

sure that she knows that she knows what she, she just did. Yeah.

Betzabel: 1:02:09

Yeah. Because for me,, in the beginning, I didn't really count the cost. Mm-hmm. So that's why I feel I was like, the waves of the ocean, like in the book of James Uhhuh. Okay. Uhhuh wanna make sure. And, I'm like, I don't think I counted really the cusp, but you know, the Lord does this thing. Yeah. And, so for her, I'm just like, I really want you to understand, like truly, truly understand. So in a heartbeat, she's like, yes, I'll be there. And she comes over and she explains it perfectly in Spanish. I'm like, wow, that was so beautiful. Yeah., and she's like, that's the first time I've ever done that in Spanish. I'm like, what? Wow. Like, wow. She's like, yeah, I've never done it in Spanish. I asked my mom like, do you wanna be baptized Uhhuh? And she's like, yeah. And she, she got, oh, my, got baptized in, in my home. Aw. And like, we're doing this. Goodness.

Ann: 1:03:03

Yeah. And we're not waiting. That is awesome. For me,

Betzabel: 1:03:05

I'm like, by the time she gets connected by a church's, that's what I, I'm talking

Ann: 1:03:09

about. But

Betzabel: 1:03:10

cause like for me, I'm like, she still lives in Glenview. Yes. And you know, we're out here in a lawn. Yeah. And that's far. Mm-hmm. And to like stay connected like that. Yeah. You know, she gets busy with work. I get busy with the kids I'm like, no, this has to be a now thing. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm like, let's get baptized. Hmm. And she's like, yes, let's do it. So praise the Lord. My friend helped me with that. Yeah. Because I never baptized anybody either. Oh my goodness. So, you know, we did it in Spanish for her and Yeah. I just, and the water, oh, you know, dad's rise a, you know, new creation. Look at God, like, look

Ann: 1:03:53

at God.

Betzabel: 1:03:54

Yeah. And then we prayed over. After and it was, and the kids were there. Aww. You know, but, so they got to see that. Um, that's beautiful.

Ann: 1:04:06

Yeah. That's the

Betzabel: 1:04:07

Lord. Oh, a hundred percent. My

Ann: 1:04:10

God. How he redeemed your relationship with your mom.

Betzabel: 1:04:15

Mm-hmm. My God. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever, I've ever experienced

Ann: 1:04:21

in my life. He had a plan that whole time. Yep.

Betzabel: 1:04:25

The whole time he had plan. Yeah. The whole time. I love the way the Lord moves.

Ann: 1:04:31

And even in your struggling, even in your pruning season mm-hmm. That was so difficult for you. Yeah. That was so challenging. But like you said, you took some steps of obedience. Yeah. You know, you said delayed obedience, but I believe the way God orchestrates things. Mm-hmm. It was right on time. Yeah. It was right on time. He prepared your heart first. He was pruning you, healing you and getting you to a place where you can now go to your mom. Yeah. And see her with new eyes. Yes. Eyes of compassion. Not the eyes of resentment. Right. Eyes of compassion seeing her the way Jesus sees her. Mm-hmm. And now you're Yeah. Guiding her, you're guiding her toward the cross. Mm-hmm. You're pointing her to Jesus. Yeah. And not only that, but now you're seeing mom as a believer, it's time to take that step of baptism. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to, and mom says Yeah. Mm-hmm. That, that's the Lord orchestrating all that. Like, as you're saying it, as I'm listening to you, God's all in that.

Betzabel: 1:05:52

Yeah. There's there's no way that man could fix something like that. You know, like our hands just get things so messy. Yeah. Without God. Hmm. And, like for me, something that I would always mention to my husband, I'm like, I don't want specifically my daughter, I don't want her to see me treat my mom this way. Yeah. Because then who am I to tell her how to respect me or for our relationship to be good and loving when I'm over here, hating on my mom. Like,, what hypocrisy is that? Yeah. So, yeah. It's just, it's wild that

Ann: 1:06:34

I love that. I, I just love that the conviction came in through the Holy Spirit via your children though. Oh. Via him showing you, you know, if you want to have a good relationship with your daughter, one that's, based on truth and forgiveness mm-hmm. You have to show that to your mom. Yeah. I mean that I, I love how the Lord works because he enlightens us to the condition of our hearts. Mm-hmm. At times we don't see it because we try to justify it. Well, she wronged me and the way she treats me, and Yes. You know, I don't deserve that, you know. Mm-hmm. Um, but clearly God getting to your heart. Yeah. Getting to the root of that bitterness and that resentment towards your mother and for me, it was definitely painful. It was definitely a place that I didn't want to visit. Mm-hmm. But it's en visiting it that you get healing. Yeah. You get healed from that. Not only that, but in your case, you got to see your mom. Yeah. You know surrender her life to the Lord and be baptized. You know, we don't realize that there's blessing on the other side. It's painful. It's painful when you're on this side of that refining process. Yes. But once he is like, I'm putting you through the fire, daughter, I'm putting you through, it's when you come out and you're like, I'm able to forgive now. You're purifying me, Lord. You're getting to my heart. He's constantly working in us, but once he brings us through that fire, you're like, okay, Lord, I'm gonna do what you're asking me to do. Mm-hmm. He enables us, and he empowers us through his Holy Spirit to be able to do the hard things like you did. Mm-hmm. And look at the blessing. Oh man. It's, it's never just for us. No, it's never just for us. It's really, truly about the people that God says, I wanna use you, my daughter to impact, to touch, to bring to me mm-hmm. To draw, to me, to point to the cross. Right. That's what I love about our God. Yeah. That it's not about us, it's about him. Mm-hmm. Um, just testimony of God's grace and goodness. Oh my gosh. His,

Betzabel: 1:08:59

it's beautiful. I just, his faithfulness became so real. Yeah. Through the dealing with, my childhood, trauma. Because God was just like, if you don't let go here and you don't allow me to heal you in this area, it's gonna be hard to continue doing the work I need you to do. Yeah. For me later down the road. Yes. So he had to deal with this for me to let go completely and to forgive it all. Mm-hmm. And to forget. Mm-hmm. You know, um, because he was like, you're a wife, you have a husband, you're a mother, and you have children. Yeah. And in order to be doing what you have to do here in your home Yeah. You have to let go of what happened and you have to heal from it. Yes. And you have to forgive because there is no way you could be the wife mm-hmm. That I've called you to be. You hate your mom and then now you're hating yourself. Yeah. Because you're doing the same thing that your mom did. Mm-hmm. And you are dealing with your children the way you grew up. Yeah. And I'm like, no. Yeah. I can't, this, this needs to stop. Yeah. Um,

Ann: 1:10:24

well, I just heard a message. It ends with me. Yes. It ends with me.

Betzabel: 1:10:28

Yes. Completely. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, yeah. We gotta do this work before I could start doing the Lord's work in my family for my children. Yeah. You know? Um, and after that he's like, okay, now let's go to work with

Ann: 1:10:45

you. Yeah. And I was like, okay.

Betzabel: 1:10:49

So, you know, just for forgiving the things that I even did in the beginning of my marriage with the way that I dealt with my husband mm-hmm. The, the way that I was so unforgiving and resentful Yeah. And all that stuff. And it hasn't been until like recently mm-hmm. The women's conference. Yeah. That we just went to like, oh yeah. You were

Ann: 1:11:11

there too. Yeah. Yeah. Were you there Friday and Saturday?

Betzabel: 1:11:14

Yeah. Yes. I. Yes. And, Elizabeth's message. Mm oh man.

Ann: 1:11:19

Unlocking unforgiveness.

Betzabel: 1:11:21

Yes. And, and I went in there, I'm just like, oh, another woman's conference, uhhuh. You know, like mm-hmm. It's just gonna be the same old, same old. So that was my attitude coming into it. Yeah. If I'm not being honest. but when Elizabeth started speaking, I'm like, oh man. Hmm. You know, and just like that image that she said of when you don't forgive somebody, it's like you're just sitting in that jail cell with them. Yeah. Because you're not letting go. Hmm. But you're still there with them, you know? There was just some things that I had to forgive my husband for. Mm-hmm. Um, and nothing crazy. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Um, I don't wanna paint him like he did something terrible. He did not. Yeah. Um, but for me, it just triggered so much of what I went through with my mom that it, like, it just transferred over. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. And so my anger as a child that I had towards my mom carried over to my, to my marriage. It just triggered a lot of my childhood emotions that I thought, you know, I dealt with. Yeah. I was just like firing it, you know? Yeah. I was just constantly throwing darts at him because I felt like I had to guard myself, you know? So that anger and resentment transferred over and I just, you know, grabbed this little tiny thing Yeah. That my husband did and, and, and I just went for it, like my anger and that flesh and that carnal thing that I had still inside me. It was just like, oh, he's right here. He's tangible, and now you could fight because you have somebody here that you could just treat as a punching bag basically. I would go off on him so badly and, the kids grew and I'm like, I can't do this. Yeah. I'm like, God, please help me. Listening to Elizabeth's message it was just like that big final confirmation. Yeah. It's just like, okay. Enough. Yeah. And you know, from the beginning of our marriage to now, before the conference, you know, God has transformed me a lot. Mm-hmm. But it was just like that last thing. Yeah. You know? Because my desire is to be that that wife that her testimony speaks for itself and regardless of what he does or what he doesn't do, I want to be steady. I wanna be consistent. Yeah. Because my children really are observant Yes. Of who I am. Yes. And of who their father is and our marriage and our relationship because they ask questions. Yeah. Or they're like, I don't like the way you would talk to daddy. And I'm like, Ooh.

Ann: 1:14:05

Yeah.

Betzabel: 1:14:06

I'm like, okay. So, you know, just that forgiveness and just letting go and me and honestly it was just my pride and my ego of not letting go of certain things. Mm-hmm. And again, it's not even like big things. Right. Just little dumb things that I would just hold on to. So that just helped me a lot. And, you know, my decision, I didn't tell my. Because he's like, so what'd you learn? You know, Uhhuh? And I'm like, I, I learned something, but I don't wanna tell you because I wanna see God work in it. And so I'm like, I'm not gonna speak ill of my husband Yeah. To anyone. Mm-hmm. Even to myself in my mind. Cuz I could have a very critical attitude towards him. Hmm. And that was my bold step. Yeah. Just not to speak ill of my husband ever. Even if I'm being like, in a joking matter mm-hmm. Or being sarcastic or anything like that, I'm like, no more like that's done. Yeah. I don't wanna complain about him because he's very, the way that he deals with things, he's so sacrificial and he's so kind and he's so giving. Yeah. And like that image that I built up of him mm-hmm. In my mind that's totally not real.

Ann: 1:15:19

When it comes to being critical, I think we tend to focus more on the flaws of people. Yes. We tend to focus on, their weaknesses. Mm-hmm. We tend to, that kind of magnifies over the good that they do. Yes, a hundred percent. What I hear from you is like, you're just doing a self-talk. Like from now on that stops Yeah. From now on, I'm gonna focus on the good that my husband does and that really does change your view and your perspective, because just like you mentioned, the way you viewed your mom now through a different lens mm-hmm. Is the way you'll start to view your husband through that different lens. Yeah. Through that lens of, compassion, love, and forgiveness, and even getting to a place where you can discuss, your disagreements and and confront those difficult things that you need to confront without. Getting in your flesh Right. Without losing it

Betzabel: 1:16:25

on him being so like, emotional about it. Yes. Yes. It's not even that big

Ann: 1:16:29

of a deal. Right. Right., keep the small things small. Mm-hmm. Because a lot of times we can amplify the small things. Mm-hmm. You're like, whoa, how did that little disagreement become such a big thing? Yeah. But a lot of times there's still things that we are dealing with. There's still some healing because again, God, God heals us, but we're like that onion. I always hear people talk about that onion. And It's true. Yes. Because there's layers and layers. He heals us. Yes. Mm-hmm. But then there's another layer. He's gotta heal us there too. Mm-hmm. And thank God for the patience that our husbands Oh man. And likewise, we have to have patience for one another. In seeing my own marriage, being able to confront those difficult. Situations and being able to discuss a lot of the things where I would say, nevermind, you know, not every battle needs to be fought. Right. You know? Right. And that's true. Pick your battles. Not every battle needs to be fought, but there were things that were unsettling. Mm-hmm. And I felt like even the Holy Spirit, like, you need to talk about that with your husband. Mm-hmm. Not in an angry way, but you need to address that. I wanna be, my husband's help me. I want us to do good to each other, but I also know we need to learn how to address the hard things. In a good way. Yes. In a healthy way. And so that, that took years of learning mm-hmm. And growing in that area. With marriage, it's a constant work. Mm-hmm. God's constantly working. Oh yes. Us He's constantly moving in our marriage. And then when you have children mm-hmm. He's, he's constantly working in your parenting and in the way we, uh, talk to our children and, and how we Oh yeah. You know, connect with them and all. It's a beautiful thing because God's a god of relationships. Mm-hmm. And so relationship matters to him. Our marriage matters to him. Our, mom and and child relationship matters to him. Because I, I truly believe it's a reflection of him. It really is. He's a god of relationship,, and that's the beautiful thing, that relationships, although they're complicated and they're very complex, they're the greatest blessing that he's given us. He says it's not good for a man to be alone. Yeah. You know, he knew we would need one another. He knew we would need relationship. And that's the blessing of it. Mm-hmm. Right. I think so.

Betzabel: 1:19:04

It really is. Um, and. You know, after I made that decision, you know, coming back home, just being able to see my husband and actually recognize what he does. Mm-hmm. And like me hearing myself actually say thank you more. Hmm. Yeah. For the smallest things, like my husband makes bomb breakfast and he doesn't, when he's home, he doesn't bother me in the morning, Uhhuh, he just gets up with the kids and then I get to walk out of that room whenever I feel like it. Yeah. And I, and right after getting up late, I get to sit on the couch and he doesn't say anything. He doesn't complain about it. Yeah. It just gets up and does breakfast. And while I'm still sitting on that couch, he serves me my plate. Cuz breakfast is my favorite. Yes. And when he does it, it just tastes that much better. Yes. Um, so he just serves me, my plate and he serves me first always. And I'm like, wow. He always, he's always thinking about me, you know? Yeah. And I'm just like, dang, I'm so like ungrateful. I was so ungrateful. So, you know, just saying, Thank you. Yeah. For every little thing. Now, even if I don't say verbally, sometimes I notice. I'm just like, oh, wow. Yeah. Thank you. Like, yeah. Look at you. I don't tell you to notice this stuff before.

Ann: 1:20:28

I have to say a shout out to my husband too, because his breakfast is the bomb. Oh man. And, and he had this, he had this week off for spring break. He tries to take it off with the kids. Mm-hmm. He had this week off and we were at home. We did a staycation. We went to, star Rock and we went to a couple local places, hiking. And one of the things that he made a point of doing this, serving us, just like you said, just like you said, like he served me, he served the kids. And like that just, man, that blesses me. Mm-hmm. That blesses me. Because not only, is he showing us how much he loves us by serving us, but he's also setting an example mm-hmm. For my kids,? Mm-hmm. Serving it comes from the heart, you know? And Yeah, it really does. It really does. And that, just really, like, it touched me in such a way, like you said, where it just brings about this gratefulness and Yeah. Not that he doesn't serve. My husband has a servant's heart. He'll serve and serve and serve. But like you said, when they do it, especially for you, like he could have waited for me to serve him. Mm-hmm. Because, I'm there with him too. Yeah. But no, he just went out of his way, like, I'm gonna serve you. He just thought of us. Yeah. It was the mindfulness of it all, you know, and his heart behind it. It's just such a beautiful blessing. It really is.

Betzabel: 1:21:51

Do we have the same experience this week as

Ann: 1:21:53

it, yeah. Yes, we did. Yeah. This was his, our spring break and yeah. I experienced that. And even like when he went back to work today, I missed them. I missed them so much. Like, I missed our time together, even though it was local hiking, you know? Yeah. But just our time together, like just so simple. Yeah. You know, just talking and laughing and, you know, even, even the kids like, wait, where are we gonna go? We better go here. We better go. Just listening to them, I'm just like, thank you, Lord. Like, yeah. You know, life goes by so quickly, so fast. You know, that it's important to be thankful for all the little things that are happening, you know? Yeah. It just, I feel like God's puts a, puts a light like a light on it. Like, you know, be grateful for these moments. Oh yeah. You know, be grateful for your children, your husband, and, yeah. So I had that week. I had

Betzabel: 1:22:50

this week. Yeah, it was, it was, and my husband just had like days off cuz I homeschool Uhhuh, so he just had like three days off in a row and it was nice. Yeah. Nice. You know? Yeah. And the kids love it when he's there in the morning too. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So that was just nice, just realizing that. And there was one day that, he goes all out, so it's like the hash runs, however I want my eggs Yes. To cook. Yeah. And this one day, there was a, we didn't have bacon. I'm like, do we have bacon?

Ann: 1:23:21

And he's like, no. I'm like, oh.

Betzabel: 1:23:25

And he's like, you want me to go get bacon? And I'm like, please. Yeah. So while he was like doing, you know, the, the breakfast, he just dips out and goes, gets a bacon. He starts out, I'm just like, you don't even have to do that. He can be like, no, we're just having this. Yeah. But he's just been, uh, really, you know, just showing. Yeah. You know.

Ann: 1:23:49

That's precious. And I'm like, wow. Yeah,

Betzabel: 1:23:51

that's, I'm like, I be so selfish sometimes. My goodness. This is a good man. Um, and yeah, and just the whole atmosphere, this, you know, when he was home was just so different, you know, cuz God was just like, no more being critical towards your husband, not even like in your thoughts. And if those things start coming in, just bind them up and cast them out because Yeah. They're not, they're not from me. No. It's not how I think of your husband. No, it's not how I want you to think of your husband. I love

Ann: 1:24:23

that. I love that you say that. Yeah. Yeah.

Betzabel: 1:24:25

Because, you know, if there's one goal that the enemy has for people that are married is just to break them. Oh, yeah. And just develop this image. Like the image that I had that I kept holding on towards my husband is just like, ugh. Yeah. You know, like if I could summarize my feeling mm-hmm. I just allowed the enemy, to use my mind in that way towards my husband. Yeah. And that caused a lot of, just brokenness in not our marriage. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm just, I'm just so grateful to God that he continues to do that work. Yeah. You know,

Ann: 1:24:59

praise God for that. Right. Gosh. Yeah.

Betzabel: 1:25:01

I'm like, oh, wow. Thank you so much, Lord. Like, like, wow. Yeah.

Ann: 1:25:09

Because I, his plans are not our plans, his ways are not a

Betzabel: 1:25:11

waste. I was, I was really amazed and, um, and my, my children have been like that place of just maturity mm-hmm. And growth. Yeah. And God has used them in tremendous ways. Hmm. And I love how their little hearts love the Lord. Yeah. And how God is just teaching me to raise them up in him. Not like religiously. You know,, sometimes we have like worship nights and we go in there and I'm like, Hey, this is your time with God. Yeah. You praise him and worship him however you want. Mm-hmm. You talk to him, you speak to him, and just receive whatever he has for you. We talk about really heavy things. Yeah. But it's just like, I just want to plant those seeds because those certain things are such foundation in our faith with Jesus.

Ann: 1:26:05

Yes, they are. They are. And thank you for sharing that, Betsy. I think, I can relate to you. That was really important for me. Mm-hmm. More than their education, more than. Anything that they could, you know, um, any success that they could have in this world for me. Yes. Number one is their relationship with God. Mm-hmm. That, that to me is everything. And when my kids were little, I decided to leave, my job, my career. Mm-hmm. Um, to be a stay-at-home mom. And that was a decision that the Lord had prompted in my heart. Mm-hmm. At first, I struggled with it because I was used to being independent and working since I was 16. Oh my gosh. I struggled with that too. I struggled with it. But when the Lord prompted me, not only did he prompt me, but he gave me confirmation after confirmation. This is where you need to be. I didn't understand it at that time because I just saw the bills and I thought, you know, I need to work. You know, we need another income. Like

Betzabel: 1:27:05

the stresses of the world. Yes. Fogs our we're

Ann: 1:27:08

calling. Yes. And I was struggling with it, but when I got that second confirmation, I was like, okay, Lord, I'm gonna believe and I'm gonna trust that me being at home with the kids will allow me to plant those seeds in their little hearts. Mm-hmm. Because no one will do it like you do that. Oh, yeah. Like you do it. Yes. And I believe that. And I went ahead and, you know, Omar and I took that step of faith and it was a hard step to take. And he wasn't on board right away. And so I was praying, Lord, if this is your will, you'll bring confirmation to him too. Mm-hmm. And he did. Yeah, he did. And, um, for up until Moses went into kindergarten, I was a stay-at-home mom with my children. I didn't homeschool, Angelina went to pre-K. Mm-hmm. Um, but it was important for me to instill the truth of God's word. Mm-hmm. Prayer by example. Yeah. Um, just, just being that example to my children of what it is to be, a believer in Christ and have that relationship and that a real relationship. It's not perfect. You know? It's not perfect. And so, like you said, being able to apologize to my children and explain to them why, even when I would make mistakes like say, oh, well, you know, this I made a mistake. Mm-hmm. And this is why. Yeah. And showing them and letting them know that, you know, God shows me grace. Mm-hmm. And I have to show other people grace too. Mm-hmm. But just like also God holds me accountable for the words that I say, the things I do. Mm-hmm. He holds you accountable too. And you need to be held accountable too. Mm-hmm. There's consequences. And so just instilling all these things in their little hearts were important for me. Oh yeah. It was so important for me. So I had to make some decisions and I think God, Omar was on board. We made them together. Now, years later, I see the fruit. Yes. I see the fruit in my children and not to praise or pat myself mm-hmm. But to say glory to you God. Yes. You see

Betzabel: 1:29:16

the goodness Yes.

Ann: 1:29:17

Of God. You see his faithful Yes. Glory to you that they have a, a relationship with you Lord. They have a reverence of you Lord. They know you. They know you. And I feel that. Not everyone has that opportunity because people have to work, they do have bills to pay, and they do have goals mm-hmm. To accomplish. Mm-hmm. And I get that. But I believe in my journey, on my journey. Mm-hmm. That's what needed to take place. Oh yes. And God knows why. Only he knows why, you know, and I'm grateful for that. I'm so grateful for that. So I thank you for sharing that. And, to those women who may not have that opportunity, To stay home because they're single moms. And some women, there's mortgages to pay and, and they can't. But I believe God always provides grace and he always provides faith for us in spite of our circumstances, in spite of what, our home life, work life, career life looks like. God works in ways that we can't understand or comprehend, you know? And by the grace of God and thank the thank the Lord that he does things mm-hmm. The way that he does things according to his will and his plan for each and every person, you know. I wanna thank you, Betsy, for joining me tonight and just for sharing your heart, for sharing, your past traumas that God's been healing you in these areas we know that it's God, we know that it's him and by his grace that he's doing this. So I just wanna thank you for coming and sharing your heart with us.

Betzabel: 1:30:55

No, definitely. Thank you for inviting. I think, um, what you're doing here is so beautiful cuz testimonies are so powerful. And you know, they touch the hearts of the people that hear. Thank

Ann: 1:31:06

you. Glory to God. I believe that he gets all the glory. Mm-hmm. Because it's him who puts plans in our hearts. It's him who gives us visions. It's him who gives us these desires. Yes. To want to do his will. And not for us, but for all those around us, because Exactly. It's always, the bigger picture. Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. We, we can't see it sometimes, but he gives us little glimpses. Thank you all for tuning into this episode of Her Scars. Tell a story.